If you are reading this you are probably familiar with a thing called “the Internet.” If your assistant printed my article off for you, or possibly read all of it verbally whilst a second and even more attractive assistant transcribed it by hand, then handed you that paper personally, you should know that the “the read more
When Extroverts Ruled the Earth
May 8, 2013 – 11:22 am
We live at the conclusion of the Age of Extroverts; a brief period of human history wherein social butterflies excelled, often at the expense of introverts. Technology is rapidly leveling that playing field. During the first 400,000 years of human history the dominant group in society was whoever had the biggest head-clubbing stick, or whichever read more
We Probably Overdid it on Witch Executions
April 18, 2013 – 3:09 am
I’m beginning to suspect that most of the women we burned at the stake were not actually witches. Even those we properly identified as conjurers can still be divided into subcategories, because not all witches are necessarily evil. There are good witches, like Samantha, from Bewitched, and then there are evil ones, like Janeane Garofalo. read more
I Might Be on the FBI Watch List
April 9, 2013 – 11:14 pm
I’d like to go ahead and clear up why I once delayed an international flight due to a misunderstanding about smuggling pistols. If you’re a regular reader do press on, but this post is primarily written for whichever federal investigator handles the yellow sticky notes in my file folder at the FBI headquarters. In 2004 read more
The Truth About Archaeology
April 4, 2013 – 1:41 am
There are a dozen reasons you might want to go digging around somebody else’s land with a shovel and a vaguely communicated purpose. If so, spare some hassle and call yourself an “archaeologist.” You can still dink around with a garden trowel in someone’s petunia garden if you want, but uppity neighbors might accuse you read more
EVIL JIM STRIKES BACK!
April 1, 2013 – 6:30 am
It’s the first of April so I, Evil Jim, Heaton’s former roommate, have decided to make an April’s Fools Day tactical strike — sort of like what Kim Jong Un would try if he had any cajones. If you’ve ever wondered what sorts of songs Heaton makes on his ukulele, read on. You may remember read more
Why We’ll Never Run out of Resources
March 27, 2013 – 12:10 am
It would be a major inconvenience if the Earth ran out of things I enjoy using, such as petroleum, or seltzer water. You might be the sort of bloke who settles down after a hard day of work to enjoy a nice, cool bucket of tungsten. Luckily for us, we’re never going to run out read more
Malthus was Wrong
March 20, 2013 – 2:19 am
Once in a while some gloomy Gus at a cocktail party will posit that if we ever solve world hunger, everyone will have so many babies that they’ll eat all the food, and the whole world will be reduced to one big field of cannibalistic toddlers. Thomas Malthus originally pioneered this depressing theory; that if read more
How to Sail Through Line at the Bank
March 6, 2013 – 11:06 am
If you’re looking to expedite your time at the bank, frame your future requests in such a way that the tellers think you’re a psychopath. Their barely-concealed fear that you’ll go nuts will compel them to prioritize you above coffee breaks and other customers. Now, before you go rushing off to the nearest vault with read more
When I am Pope
February 27, 2013 – 12:15 am
Last week Pope Benedict shocked the world when he announced that he will resign the Throne of St. Peter, so that he can cash in on Social Security before all the Baby Boomers suck it dry. No Pope has done this since 1782, when Pope Benedict Arnold defeated the British at the Battle of Yorktown. read more
How to Dress in New York
February 22, 2013 – 10:02 am
If you’re visiting or moving to New York, chances are you’ll be wearing clothes at some point. Should you want to blend in with the locals, you’ll need to employ “fashion,” which is a concept the French made up to sell decorative belts and berets. (If you really want to impress New Yorkers, pronounce the read more
Jeremy Bentham: Not Voting from Beyond the Grave
February 14, 2013 – 7:50 pm
You may not remember Jeremy Bentham from high school history class, as he never became an American president nor was portrayed by John Wayne in any films. However Bentham has nonetheless influenced you deeply, because he is the founder of Utilitarianism. Utilitarianism is a school of thought asserting that you should base ethical and policy read more
Corpses of Interest: Tapping the Admiral
February 13, 2013 – 12:19 am
In today’s Corpses of Interest segment we learn about Lord Nelson, a British maritime hero whose body was preserved on the way back to London by pickling it in a barrel of brandy. Fair warning: Lord Nelson’s death is heroic, but the mortuary practice which followed it is gross and may even stop you from read more
Corpses of Interest: John Knox
February 10, 2013 – 9:51 pm
If you’re a Shakespeare enthusiast, or ardent follower of global parking lot news, you’re aware that archaeologists recently discovered King Richard III’s earthly remains under a parking lot in Leicester. Presumably King Richard (or “Humpback Dicky,” as his friends called him) parked his car at a mall, couldn’t again locate it, and eventually got buried beneath read more
Should We Trust These “Vegetarians”?
February 6, 2013 – 2:13 am
I’m beginning to think the suspicious attitude with which we treat vegetarians is secretly rooted in our own guilt about eating cute animals. This is particularly pronounced in the Red States, where we eat cute animals all the time. If you live in some weird place with abundant organic food and “diversity,” you are probably nonplussed about read more
How to Find New Roommates
January 30, 2013 – 12:01 am
Apartment hunting is similar to job hunting in that if you fail at either one for too long you become homeless. You can get your own apartment, which is expensive. Or you can move into an existing apartment, similar to how lesser hermit crabs move into bigger shells, and so on and so forth until read more
We Have Reason for Optimism
January 23, 2013 – 12:56 am
Most every article about our future is gloomy. There are all these old people, for instance. When the herds of Baby Boomers retire and our nation is awash in codgers, will we be able to make fat free soylent green? And our education levels are abysmal. What if tomorrow’s youth are too bad at math read more
The Inauguration
January 20, 2013 – 11:07 am
This week Americans will come in droves to Washington DC to stand around in very cold temperatures and watch the president get sworn in. This quaint tradition dates back to the founding of the republic, when nobody actually wanted to be president, and we would drag a general or governor or some such, kicking and read more
How to Talk Australian
January 17, 2013 – 9:23 am
Australians have exclamation marks and questions marks, but no concept of periods. If you end a sentence without going up at the end inquisitively, they will think you aren’t finished yet and will stand around waiting. So just say every phrase like it’s a question? Just like this? That is how Australians say everything. Australians read more
Australians: Our Closest Cousins
January 14, 2013 – 1:57 pm
You might think that Canada, or perhaps Texas, is the closest approximate to the United States. After all, both share borders with our fine republic and both of them have similar accents. But I contend that Australia is our closest cousin. This makes sense demographically, as Australia and America were both settled by people who read more
