Tag Archives: Booze

Drunken Pig Terrorizes Australia

If you’re not worried about feral pigs, you should be. Particularly in Australia where, apparently, they have a drinking problem. Earlier this month a ferrel pig (domesticated pigs which escape to the wild, grow tusks, and become homicidal) snuck into a campsite and proceeded to drink eighteen unsecured beers. Then, according to one eye witness, the read more »

Corpses of Interest: Tapping the Admiral

In today’s Corpses of Interest segment we learn about Lord Nelson, a British maritime hero whose body was preserved on the way back to London by pickling it in a barrel of brandy. Fair warning: Lord Nelson’s death is heroic, but the mortuary practice which followed it is gross and may even stop you from read more »

In Search of My Land

Score another one for Scotch: if you drink enough of it distilleries give you plots of land! Very few drinking problems result in that sort of awards system. The Laphroig Distillery sent me the deed to a square foot of land some months ago, and I decided to track it down. In case you’re curious, read more »

Dodging Peer Pressure/Hangovers

Saturday evening I got home at a respectable hour, and woke up the next morning with no hangover. I managed to hit “the sweet spot” during St. Patrick’s Day, which is a light buzz wherein you need not fear a headache, but shouldn’t operate heavy machinery if anyone is watching. Maintaining a state of only read more »

Burns Suppers: Kilt, Dancing & Murder Etiquette

Today Scots celebrate Burns Night, their most prominent and least violent national holiday. If you’re visiting Scotland or have Scottish ex-pat neighbors, you may be invited to a Burns Supper. If that’s the case, it’s imperative you know proper kilt, dancing and murder etiquette. Pay attention, because kilts come with a little knife which the read more »

GUEST POST: Who is the Mighty Heaton?

As a sort of digital birthday present this week, some friends whom I have either lived or extensively drank with got together and composed a post. Their goal (as explained to me) was to clarify what I am like for readers who have not yet met me in the flesh. Presently reading it, their project read more »

Beer Prices & Cost of Living Adjustment

As I have detected no correlation whatsoever between living in Washington DC and actually obtaining a job in Washington DC, I decided to extend my holiday visit in Oklahoma by a week. This afforded me the opportunity to spend quality time with friends and tornadoes, to hit on girls less immediately put-off by my “career” read more »

Don’t Mess with Clan McBastard

I fancy myself something of an Associate Scot: I’ve drank enough single malt to drown a family of horses, I’ve snuck into a castle, twice lived in Edinburgh, and even dated some Scottish women. Briefly. Combined with a gang of close friends who took it upon themselves to adopt me and teach me the ways read more »

Report: Dumbass Things Young People are Doing

Our youngsters might be falling behind internationally in terms of standardized testing, but when it comes to devising innovative ways of injuring themselves, the next crop of Western Civilization’s brood overfloweth with savants. Two really nifty activities you should look into are vodka eyeballing and train surfing. Vodka eyeballing is a party fad wherein you read more »

Shrove Tuesday

In Britain we celebrate Shrove Tuesday, which is when British people prepare themselves for other people doing Lent by eating pancakes. Kate and Ben made pancakes but I don’t know how, so instead I made my special “whisky syrup” out of brown sugar and whisky. &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New read more »

Port Caves

Once every few years my so-called friend Andrew Young tries to lewer me into a wine cellar, promising that he has a special cask he has been saving for me and me alone. So far, this fabled bottle of amontillado has never materialized, but we came closer to his scheme in Porto when we went read more »

Saturday Night of the Undead

Halloween came a week early at the second annual Silver Spring Zombie Walk, wherein undead enthusiasts from the DC area congregated in Maryland before proudly shuffling through a strip of restaurants and towards a movie theater to watch Shaun of the Dead. Corpses at the front of the parade were more of the Romero persuasion, careening read more »

Fembots Among Us

Drinking at L2, a tony Georgetown club, is sipping martinis in a time machine zipping forward. It is beyond posh. A sleek and glamorous world of fashionistas and cocktails, tucked away in a Washington alley. It also might be where fembots are built. I do not know what “L2″ stands for, nor do I need read more »

Art Quirks

What I do like about LA is its high concentration of eccentricity. Quirk can pop up anywhere, of course, but the unique thing about Los Angeles is, here it has financial backing. Someone will say, “You know what we need? A restaurant that’s completely dark, with no windows whatsoever, where meals are delivered by an read more »

The Beltane Fire Festival

If you remember the Beltane Fire Festival you weren’t there. I was. I think. Beltane is a pagan revival of an old Celtic hoopla celebrating the seasonal shift from Winter to Spring, conducted each year on the night preceding May Day. The whole thing looks like Star Wars collided with a smurf kegger. Hundreds of read more »

Bohemian Roots

Grampa Heaton maintains that our family is English Scotch Scotch-Irish German Bohemian. In the past I’ve asked, “When you say Bohemian, do you mean ‘Czech’ or ‘fun-loving?’” At this point Grampa becomes shifty, either offering me copious amounts of schnapps or erratically swerving his car until my focus settles on screaming and begging him not read more »

Medieval Muppets

I woke up Monday morning to discover what appeared to be a Muppet clad in Medieval clothes perched on the edge of my bunk. I’m incoherent for the first… six or seven hours after I wake up in the morning, so the visual was perplexing. The Muppet coughed to get my attention. That’s how he read more »