Tag Archives: Animals

Danish Zoo Shoots Giraffe and Feeds It to Lion in Front of Kids

  Danish Zoos are apparently a lot more gruesome than American ones are, based on the fact that this week the Copenhagan Zoo shot a giraffe in the head with a bolt gun and then fed it to a lion–in front of school children. It makes you wonder about whoever the Assistant Director of Giraffes read more »

Drunken Pig Terrorizes Australia

If you’re not worried about feral pigs, you should be. Particularly in Australia where, apparently, they have a drinking problem. Earlier this month a ferrel pig (domesticated pigs which escape to the wild, grow tusks, and become homicidal) snuck into a campsite and proceeded to drink eighteen unsecured beers. Then, according to one eye witness, the read more »

Montez Moves On

This week I had to find a new home for my pet fish, Montez, because I am moving and am afraid if I leave my fish with Evil Jim, my hitherto roommate, that he will try and brainwash the fish to hate me. Originally I planned to leave Montez’s bowl inside of a wicker basket read more »

Don’t Eat the Sharks

I spent this evening hanging out with shark bite victims at a film screening for a program which will air on The Discovery Channel later this summer. Oddly enough, most people attacked by the grizzly bears of the ocean wind up becoming shark advocates and conservationists afterwards. This leads me to theorize that sharks actually read more »

Attack Monkeys, and Other Pets

Dogs and cats remain the most popular pets in the Western world. Dogs are furry and they love you unconditionally. Violin strings are made out of cat gut. Eventually I would like to get a couple of pet dogs, however in the meantime I fantasize about more exotic household critters. VELOCIRAPTORS Yes, I know, they read more »

Dolphins Have Names

So it turns out that dolphins name each other. Not regular human names like “Bob” or “Alfred,” but specialized whistles issued for each dolphin specifically. Names like “EeeeA-A-A-Ak” and “EreEeeEeeeeEp.” Except echoey and underwater. Neither moniker has the same grandeur as a name like “Gatsby,” but they’re still less irritating than when hippies name their read more »

I Might Kidnap a Dog

There is a neighborhood in Washington DC called Eastern Market, renowned for its weekend grocers and street vendors peddling furniture and paintings. It is quaint and pedestrian, and serves as a sort of catwalk for young couples wanting to show off their toddlers or dogs. Dogs are popular in Washington. Cramming a million career-focused Type read more »

Do Lesbians Cause Tornadoes?

My state’s constitution seems to contain a provision requiring that once every two years we must pass a bill which dazzles the entire country in its glittering, bejeweled stupidity. Not all of them are bad. I rather like the absurd ones. For instance, it is illegal to go whale hunting in Oklahoma. That law is read more »

Pandas are Dumb

I don’t think we should actively hunt pandas for sport, and I’m perfectly fine with feeding them at zoos and protecting them from communists. But within the field of endangered species I think we should admit that the dwindling number of wild pandas is at least partially their own fault. Pandas are an evolutionary dead read more »

The Greatest Zoo on Earth

Until recently if you asked me, “Mr. Heaton” (you do not have permission to call me by my Christian name) “What is the best zoo on the entire planet?” I would have responded with, “Why, Little River Zoo in Norman, Oklahoma.” Because Little River Zoo was populated entirely by animals rejected by better zoos. I read more »

Wieners of Fire

If you have never before had the sensation of wandering into a Farside cartoon, all you need to do is visit the annual Dachshund Dash in Oklahoma City. Dog owners from across the region meet to race their wiener dogs, with the proceeds going to the Humane Society. In effect, it is a convention center read more »

A Pup Tent Pitched for Two?

I just moved to Oklahoma to start a law degree, and before I hit the books this fall I’d like to spend some quality time with a quality gal. I’m tall dark and handsome, in my mid-twenties, and love to go camping, hiking, and generally anything that involves sleeping under the stars.  Or I did read more »

I Will Take Your Excess Lab Monkeys

Joseph Robertson Jr., MD President OHSU 3181 SW Sam Jackson Park Rd. Portland, OR 97239-3098 Dear President Robertson, It has recently come to my attention that your university is employing monkeys in a series of tests researching the effects of nicotine on pregnant mothers. Like most Americans, the majority of my friends are in PETA, read more »

I Miss My Cat (Sherman Oaks)

I miss my cat. Chairman Meow is a brown mackeral tabby cat with big green eyes and white paws. I’ve seen him wandering around the Sepulveda Dam Preserve in the evenings, so if you see a big friendly tabby there it’s probably him. Please e-mail me if you have seen my cat. He has been read more »

The Bolton Piranha

There’s something refreshing about waking up on an alien couch with a slight hangover. It’s a reminder that life has not yet solidified, that I am still young enough to do such a thing without being forced to purely by sub-prime mortgage loans. The more surreal the better. A rabbit lives in Claire’s kitchen, as a pet, read more »

The Majesty of Obese Falcons

The courtyard which greeted me at the Cotswold Falconry Centre felt particularly eerie. There are twenty or so birds all perched on logs, tethered to the wood by means of a leash. For the first few moments they all stared at me with silent appraisal. Hawks, eagles, falcons and the manifestly ominous owls all blinked read more »

Sugar Cubes & Lies

Port Meadow is about nine minutes from my home. It’s 440 acres which managed to survive the Enclosure Movement, which you should recall from high school history class. It’s never been plowed. Probably because the large, scenic pond in the middle is in fact a gigantic puddle which swells whenever the Thames overflows. Magistrates are read more »

Bear Watching in Transylvania

The best thing about Brasov is trash can bears. The mountains that surround the city are expansive and heavily wooded. At night brown bears shuffle down from the heights to poke around the city’s periphery and forage in dumpsters. As soon as I heard about this, finding some bears became my top priority in life, read more »

The Mangum Rattlesnake Derby

The Mangum Rattlesnake Derby is like a street carnival, complete with tattooed lowlifes and overpriced greasy food. It just has more rattlesnakes. We walked past the Snakebite Café, then skirted a large box full of rattlesnakes. A young boy was paid to periodically beat the cage with a stick, prompting them to keep up their read more »

Sick and Tired of Icelandic Whalers

By now you’ve probably heard that Iceland recently told the global community, “Nuts to you, we’re eating whales anyway.” Their insolence flies in the face of numerous international agreements prohibiting the slaughter and digestion of tasty endangered aquatic mammals. Apparently Icelandic whale killers have something better to do with their time than reflect on the read more »