Tag Archives: Aliens

Iraq’s Transportation Minister Insists New Airport is Built on Ancient Alien Launchpad

Iraqi Transport Minister Kazem Finjan held a press conference this week to announce the site of a new airport; the suitability of the site, the high-quality facilities, and also that it’s built on the exact spot extraterrestrials constructed their own spaceship launchpad 7,000 years ago. Before we start questioning the “accuracy” or “sanity” of his statements, let’s at least read more »

Swedes Urge NASA to Send Condoms into Space

Our Scandinavian friends over at the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education (note to self: ask for personalized tour of facilities on next trip to Europe) are urging NASA to include a pack of condoms in whatever rocket we next fire into orbit. This is because, obviously, if aliens ever swing by Earth and decide to read more »

Chances That We’re the Only Life out there is Ten Billion Trillion to One

The Drake Equation is an argument of probability used to estimate how many intelligent, communicative extraterrestrial civilizations exist in the Milky Way galaxy besides us, and to a lesser extent, France. It’s pretty complicated, but involves trying to determine how many stars there are in the galaxy, how many of those stars have planets, and how many read more »

My Secret Family Near the Alien Crash Site

This month the CIA came clean about Area 51, thus confirming what myself and thousands of Coast to Coast AM listeners have already known for decades. (Coast to Coast AM is my favorite radio show—it’s like the BBC for people who believe in Bigfoot encounters. A terrific program!) My fascination with Area 51 goes straight read more »

Turns Out I’m Not Crazy: Area 51 Exists! (The Freeman)

Recently the CIA released a hitherto classified report acknowledging the existence of Area 51. The agency remains suspiciously silent on the juicy parts: There’s no mention of alien spacecraft or a profitable wing of the U.S. Postal Service operating there. But at least the revelation that Area 51 exists, now officially, validates the underappreciated sentiments of myself read more »

Aliens Aren’t Visiting Earth

Using the most conservative estimate possible, I calculated that there are at least 1.75 trillion other planets in the universe. If we use a moderate (and more likely estimate) there are upwards of 45 trillion planets. (Science wonks are welcome to e-mail me better figures. I will probably stand by my position that the number read more »

Novel Excerpt: Frank Got Abducted

Craving more Heaton fiction? Here’s a book about all things funny involving alien abductions. Read it. Digest it. Let the words change your life. Afterwards, go to my Fiction page and “like” me. (Remember, this whole blog is one big attempt to finagle a publishing deal.) Frank Got Abducted A pink slip, a burglary and read more »

Free Downed Weather Balloon

Heyo, Over the weekend a weather balloon crashed in my yard. It’s about the size of a winebego and still has a lot of its original aluminum siding in tact, although you might have a tough time using it (I can’t cut or puncture the stuff, even with a blow torch.) Could probably be used read more »