Turns Out I’m Not Crazy: Area 51 Exists! (The Freeman)

Recently the CIA released a hitherto classified report acknowledging the existence of Area 51. The agency remains suspiciously silent on the juicy parts: There’s no mention of alien spacecraft or a profitable wing of the U.S. Postal Service operating there. But at least the revelation that Area 51 exists, now officially, validates the underappreciated sentiments of myself read more »

The Majestic Chinese Dog Lion

I would like to congratulate the innovative zookeepers of Louhe, China, for literally trying to pawn off a large hairy dog as a lion. This came to international attention last week when a visiting mother and child realized that the prized lion they had paid to see was, in fact, a Tibetan mastiff. Praise goes read more »

“How I Learned to Start Worrying and Fear the Bomb” Ward Wilson (Reason)

How I Learned to Start Worrying and Fear the Bomb A new book tackles the myths that have grown up around nuclear weapons. Andrew Heaton | August 20, 2013 Five Myths About Nuclear Weapons, by Ward Wilson, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 187 pages, $22.00. Baby boomers grew up with nuclear bomb drills, premised on the interesting idea read more »

Cap South: Farewell Gracie (Season Finale)

In the season finale of Cap South we say goodbye to beloved Congresswoman Gracie Englewright, then of course throw a few curve balls. As a personal side note, while filming this in Washington, DC people actually recognized us. Quite the heady feeling! &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post read more »

Cap South, Episode 8: Joe America

In which an ominous politician named “Joe America” picks up Elliot in a driverless Google car, in hopes of securing Gracie’s endorsement for a congressional bid.     &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly “like” it on Facebook.

Cap South: The Plot Thickens

Elliot and Nicole discuss their pseudo-relationship. The puppetmaster behind Nicole’s espionage is revealed. Elliot is courted by the “profit for non-profit” sector, focusing on pediatric AIDS and blood diamonds. &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly “like” it on Facebook.

Cap South: The Date

Ever wonder what it would be like to go out on a date with me if I were your immediate supervisor at work? And if, maybe, you were some kind of spy? Here’s your chance to find out.   &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made read more »

Cap South: Too Awkward to be Sexual Harassment?

In Episode 5 of Cap South, Elliot Clarice continues to express his feelings towards office hottie Nicole through such awkward intimations that the House Ethics committee would probably send him to a Dale Carnegie course before censuring him for harassment. Later in the episode, when explaining that by saying “I’ll grab Nicole” he means “in an read more »

Las Vegas: Disneyworld for Adults

If extraterrestrials ever land on Earth, I’m going to recommend that they skip visiting France and head straight to Las Vegas. This is not only because Las Vegas has so many flickering neon lights that, even from space, it will render alien spaceships helpless with epilepsy until we can knock them from orbit with missiles read more »

From the Monkey Cage

I have a new book out! From the Monkey Cage: Fixing Politics Through Wit & Cartoons, a collection of humorous articles about our political system. If you ever thought, “I really enjoy Heaton’s website, but could he apply his excellent drawing skills and weird observations to things like cavemen economics, or zeppelin subsidies?” If so, read more »

Faux Attack Ad: “Windmills of Death”

In Cap South, the sitcom I’m an actor/writer on, we’ve made a series of escalating fake attack ads by otherwise benign special interests. I do the voice over for this one, and the fantastic visuals have been provided by the very talented Mr. Sean Malone.     &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian read more »

Cap South: Episode 2

Wherein Chief of Staff Elliot Clarice (my character) meets the incoming congresswoman, continues the balance of terror against the office’s ominous scheduler, and conducts a series of hilarious interviews to replace hemorrhaged staff. The last of which, Nicole Foster, is played in real life by the very talented, beautiful, and overwhelmingly intelligent Ms. Naomi Brockwell. read more »

Cap South: A Sitcom about Congressional Staffers

The last few months I’ve been collaborating with director Rob Raffety, DP Travis Edwards, and several extremely talented actors on “Cap South.” Set in Washington, DC, it follows the lives of congressional staffers in the wake of their boss’s death. Check it out! &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. read more »

How to Successfully Maneuver the New York Subway System

Given the millions of people who travel in New York everyday to work, live and mug each other, the city’s subway system is truly impressive. Few networks could possibly accommodate so many trains and people without an occasional hitch. (Except of course for Germany, which excels at such challenges.) But even Teutonic railroad makers would read more »

“Quick Decisions” The Art of Thinking Clearly, Rolf Dobelli (Barron’s)

Best-selling Swiss novelist Rolf Dobelli has produced a coffee-table catalog of cognitive errors—more assorted appetizers than meal. But some of its morsels are memorable. For example, most people would walk 10 minutes to save $10 on lunch, but few would walk the same distance to save $10 on a $1,000 suit. The minutes spent and read more »

Facebook and Teenage Angst

Back when I was a lad we had this thing called “high school,” which was the cheapest way to corral all of the young people into a confined space where they wouldn’t bother adults during working hours. (Except for the teachers.) There were various classes, all designed to prep us for life as adults: Chemistry, read more »

My Life as a Bollywood Actor

Bollywood, in case you are unfamiliar, is Bombay’s film juggernaut, producing thousands of Hindi movies each year. The films are terrific, because the characters spontaneously burst into song randomly, and instead of sex scenes the characters dance in a suggestive manner. It’s almost exactly like my high school experience, except that everyone speaks foreigner! Recently read more »

When is a Joke Racist?

Standup comedians are continually on the prowl for more jokes to enhance our punchline arsenal. Occasionally we stray away from gags about airline food or poop jokes and investigate edgy subjects, like race or sexuality. Most comics want to avoid incorporating bigotry into their sets (or to at least make themselves strategically bigoted so they read more »

“Prince of the Outback” (Reason)

Prince of the Outback Meet the wheat farmer who led a successful secession from Western Australia Off the beaten path from Australia’s wildlife preserves and pristine beaches is a little-known country that has quietly prospered for 43 years. The Principality of Hutt River sits on 75 square kilometers of land five hours north of Perth read more »

“The Part-Time Libertarian” Simpler: Cass Sunstein (Barron’s)

In his latest work of advocacy, Harvard Law School professor and former White House regulatory czar Cass Sunstein makes the case for a smaller but more vigorous government, which is rather like arguing that sharks are more efficient and focused than whales. By the end, we are left to wonder if we wouldn’t be better read more »