Gardening with Shotguns

If you think gardening is boring, that’s only because you’re too stupid to incorporate firearms into it. That’s exactly what a startup company called Flower Shell is doing: using shotgun technology to discharge seeds into the soil. Let’s just reflect on how brilliant Flower Shell is for a moment. First, have you ever been planting read more »

Bathtub Lobsters Say “I Miss You”

If you want to be a really high-quality boyfriend, the kind who is guaranteed an Aa1 credit rating by Moody’s, you should surprise your girlfriend with a gift when she comes back from vacation. This year I chose fake lobsters. Some disingenuous men will tell you that flowers are the way to go. These men read more »

Novel: Frank Got Abducted

I’ve just launched Frank Got Abducted, a novel about everything funny involving alien abductions in America’s heartland. Want to learn what crop circles are all about? I explain that. Cattle mutilations? Check! Alien probing? Double check! I even cover why aliens would travel halfway across the galaxy just to give farmers a colonoscopy. What’s more, there are read more »

I Survived Until Thirty! Huzzah!

I’m thirty now, which means that a quarter of my life is over.  I’m pretty stoked. I have a wonderful girlfriend, a new and awesome job as writer on television, and friends who swear they will never turn me in. Tomorrow I’m launching my first novel, a funny sci-fi about alien abductions. My advice: try read more »

The Prince and I

Happy New Year, friends and neighbors! I hope your New Year’s Eve was as good as mine. (Pro tip: eat an entire pizza by yourself, pass out for an hour, then start drinking other people’s booze. You spend about $7 and you wake up with no hangover!) The big news for today is that I’ve been read more »

Good King Wenceslas, Savior of the Poor

Merry Christmas, everyone! This year the very talented and felonious Andrew Young and I teamed up with Adam Young to illustrate our annual yuletide YouTube video. Thus we give you, “Good King Wenceslas, Savior of the Poor.” Chalk full of jazz, holiday spirit, animated cartoons, and horror.   &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup read more »

Cupid of the Year

Recently an armed Romeo from the great state of Georgia met and somehow wooed his girlfriend by inadvertently shooting her. According to The Week, Matthew Webber was out hunting and mistook a lady in the woods as a deer. Then shot her. Later, she woke up to find him by her bedside, where he confessed read more »

Steal Tacos at Swordpoint

One of the better headlines this week comes from San Antonio, TX: “Texan Arrested for Brandishing Sword, Demanding Tacos.” That’s right! In a state where even toddlers carry guns, some jackass decided to go full-throttle 1500 with a sword. To steal tacos. We do not yet know all of the facts regarding this case, because read more »

Attack Beavers & Thanksgiving

We didn’t force Naomi to eat a turkey, but we considered making her shoot one. She is a vegetarian for health reasons, so my brother and I supposed that it would be fine to take her bow hunting down by the creek so long as we spared her from gnawing on whatever game she managed read more »

The Unseen Value of Rob Ford

Rob Ford, crack-smoking mayor of Toronto, is catching a lot of heat for his continued boozing, drug use, and sexual harassment. So much so that Americans are actually paying attention to Canadian news for the first time in our nation’s history. Even Canadians are! This is truly astounding, because as a rule Canadian politicians are so read more »

Caroline Kennedy and American Lordships

If you’ve always wanted to be a lord, but weren’t born into the aristocratic English family, you should seriously consider becoming an ambassador. Don’t worry, they only stick qualified diplomats in the truly dangerous countries which require split second decisions. Most ambassadors attend cocktail parties in swanky cities. Caroline Kennedy just joined their ranks. The read more »

In Praise of Piecemeal Budgeting: How the Government Shutdown Could Do Some Good (The Freeman)

On Tuesday I had to explain to several jubilant European friends of mine that the United States had not, in fact, called it quits and reverted to the status of a British protectorate. Neither were we calling it quits and capitulating to Fidel Castro. (Americans did not suffer from this misconception—most were too busy discussing read more »

Review: Paddle Your Own Canoe by Nick Offerman (CBS Man Cave Daily)

This week I wrote a review of Nick Offerman’s new memoir, Paddle Your Own Canoe. You can click here to read it at the CBS Man Cave Daily website. Nick Offerman, as you’ll recall, is the hilarious actor who portrays Ron Swanson on Parks & Recreation. Below is a great clip of the guy: [youtube width=”600px” read more »

My Secret Family Near the Alien Crash Site

This month the CIA came clean about Area 51, thus confirming what myself and thousands of Coast to Coast AM listeners have already known for decades. (Coast to Coast AM is my favorite radio show—it’s like the BBC for people who believe in Bigfoot encounters. A terrific program!) My fascination with Area 51 goes straight read more »

Drunken Pig Terrorizes Australia

If you’re not worried about feral pigs, you should be. Particularly in Australia where, apparently, they have a drinking problem. Earlier this month a ferrel pig (domesticated pigs which escape to the wild, grow tusks, and become homicidal) snuck into a campsite and proceeded to drink eighteen unsecured beers. Then, according to one eye witness, the read more »

“Matt Damon vs. The Space Republicans”: A Review of Elysium

It’s rare to encounter a film where the prospects of irradiated cyborgs battling in space better comports with reality than the director’s grasp of economics. That’s what writer and director Neill Blomkamp has achieved, however, with Elysium, which explores interesting social and political themes that mostly involve Matt Damon fighting straw-man Republicans in space. It’s like read more »

Ahoy, a London Fatburg!

You can learn a lot about a place by what it denies is floating around its sewers. In New York, where I live, there are rumors of alligators lurking around our poop canals. They originated, according to believers, when in days of yore parents purchased tiny, adorable reptiles for their children, only to discover (quite read more »

Turns Out I’m Not Crazy: Area 51 Exists! (The Freeman)

Recently the CIA released a hitherto classified report acknowledging the existence of Area 51. The agency remains suspiciously silent on the juicy parts: There’s no mention of alien spacecraft or a profitable wing of the U.S. Postal Service operating there. But at least the revelation that Area 51 exists, now officially, validates the underappreciated sentiments of myself read more »

The Majestic Chinese Dog Lion

I would like to congratulate the innovative zookeepers of Louhe, China, for literally trying to pawn off a large hairy dog as a lion. This came to international attention last week when a visiting mother and child realized that the prized lion they had paid to see was, in fact, a Tibetan mastiff. Praise goes read more »

“How I Learned to Start Worrying and Fear the Bomb” Ward Wilson (Reason)

How I Learned to Start Worrying and Fear the Bomb A new book tackles the myths that have grown up around nuclear weapons. Andrew Heaton | August 20, 2013 Five Myths About Nuclear Weapons, by Ward Wilson, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 187 pages, $22.00. Baby boomers grew up with nuclear bomb drills, premised on the interesting idea read more »