Company Building a Real-Life Babel Fish

If you’re like me you spent a significant portion of time in high school reading Douglas Adams and watching Star Trek instead of losing your virginity. Both of them have concepts of a universal translator, wherein you could walk into any foreign country (or planet) and effortlessly communicate with the inhabitants. This September a company read more »

Canada Develops Eagle Beer-Delivery System

Our friends in the Deep North have out-Americaned us again, folks. A raptor center in Vancouver has teamed up with a local brewery for a mind-blowingly amazing contest. Whoever wins will have an Eagle named Hercules fly into downtown Vancouver and deliver them a can of beer. This, in my opinion, significantly outpaces whatever leaps read more »

Facebook Censorship

  How do Facebook’s meat computers or “humans” decide what’s trending? Does Facebook lean Liberal? It *is* blue, someone else pays for it, and I’m pretty sure FarmVille is some kind of a Kibbutz. And “likes” are an inflated currency that people feel entitled to! (PLEASE LIKE OUR VIDEO AND SHARE!!!!!!) &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer read more »

Tea Time (And Genocide)

  I grew up watching whatever bootlegged British programs our local PBS station managed to ferret in to Sunday night lineups. Crisp, eloquent possible-lords addressed the camera in many of these shows, all sopping wet with respectability. So I wrote a sketch which portrays the dark underbelly of such hosts, who might nominally care about read more »

Common Mythconceptions

This is a cool infographic about frequent erroneous beliefs which linger on in our collective memory. For example, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space (think about it–it’s the same width as a highway. Can you see I-35 from space?) and Napoleon wasn’t short (by the standards of his day he was average). And read more »

Queen Elizabeth Takes Member of Parliament Hostage

This week Queen Elizabeth II gave her annual address to Parliament. The speech is written for her by the Tories or whoever happens to be in power, and she tells Parliament what they were already planning to do. Only with tremendous pomp. Far more than our own State of the Union Address. Because of the historic read more »

Uberdunger: The Warlord of Fertilizers

  Product spokesman John Chuck triumphantly returns to promote Uberdunger Fertilizer for Men, the gardening accessory you need to bring your fruits and vegetables into unambiguous submission to your green thumb and iron will. This was an interesting shoot because it involved me waving an apparent hand grenade in my backyard while my landlord watched me in read more »

NASA Invests in Cryogenic Sleep Chamber

NASA has greenlighted several super futuristic research and development proposals in hopes of aiding our eventual trip to Mars. This includes among other things cryogenic chambers—like in Interstellar—wherein astronauts would be fed intravenously for nine months while their body temperature rests at ten degrees Fahrenheit. I’d be curious as to if you would be dreaming read more »

King George V Died of Intentional Morphine/Cocaine Overdose

Okay, so this is apparently old news–the folks over at the New York Times unearthed this gem back in the eighties. But it’s new to me. In 1936 the doctor of King George V of Great Britain administered an intentionally lethal dose of cocaine and morphine to the monarch as he lay on his death bed. This was read more »

The Ex-Im Bank

  One of my hobbies is to camp out in a nice pub, have a few whiskies, then start ranting to strangers about obscure government programs I hate. (I would like to apologize to the proprietor’s of Opie’s Ale House for that time I tried to throw a chair through the window while discussing the Farm read more »

China Bans Un-Patriotic Sound Effects and Gays on Television

What I want to know is, what constitutes “un-patriotic sound effects”? That seems very specific and very ambiguous at the same time. The followup question is, which commie commissar is put in charge of patriotic sound effect quality control? If the Chinese ever take over, I want that guy’s job. Learn More: “China Bans Un-Patriotic Sound read more »

Healthy Lab-Grown Petri Dish Meat is the Future

I’m an omnivore, but I appreciate the vegetarian position. Not all animals you eat are treated nicely while they’re alive or at the time of their death. (In fact states like Utah have laws which prohibit journalists from going to slaughterhouses, because they know it’s so gruesome it would rattle public support.) There’s also a lot of read more »

Chances That We’re the Only Life out there is Ten Billion Trillion to One

The Drake Equation is an argument of probability used to estimate how many intelligent, communicative extraterrestrial civilizations exist in the Milky Way galaxy besides us, and to a lesser extent, France. It’s pretty complicated, but involves trying to determine how many stars there are in the galaxy, how many of those stars have planets, and how many read more »

The Politics of Mordor

  How Hillary won over Sauromon the Progressive, Bernie lost the Hobbit vote, and Trump disappointed blue collar orcs. You’ll recall that Mordor is both a battleground state and a “bellweather” in six of the last ten presidential elections, so who people vote for is a good preview of the general election in November. (The read more »

How Sauna Nudity Nearly Destroyed Iceland

Iceland is a fascinating country. Its population is only about 300,000 people, so their prime minister is more comparable to the mayor of Tulsa, Oklahoma than, say, Angela Merkel. (You can look up his home number in the Reykjavik phone book.) In a country of that size and wealth we can only expect adorable political battles, read more »

Brooklyn’s LED Pigeon Art

An artist named Duke Riley has apparently trained 2,000 pigeons to fly in specific formations in the sky, and he’s going to strap LED lights to each of their legs. Visually, this ought to be amazing: if you’re in Brooklyn over the summer you can see what will appear to be star constellations pinwheeling all read more »

Vigorously Judicial: Who is Merrick Garland?

  Between Trump antics and Prince dying, you may have forgotten that Justice Scalia’s seat in the Supreme Court is still vacant. Recently President Obama nominated Merrick Garland to that spot, who in any other year Republicans would be so thrilled about they’d confirm him during a rapid-fire lunch break. For a Democratic nominee he’s read more »

“Fishermen Use Dead Friend to Catch 180-pound Carp”

Okay, before you get caught up in a spiral of morbid disgust, know the context. Three friends planned to go on an epic fishing trip together, but their buddy got terminal cancer. Sadly, he died before they could make it to Thailand. He asked them on his deathbed to scatter his ashes on their fishing read more »

Guy Calls in Sick to Places He Doesn’t Actually Work

Prank calls have fallen out of vogue the last few years, getting wounded with the invention of Caller ID and all but obliterated with personalized cell phone numbers. But one hero, who I have already nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, has resurrected this hallowed institution. A guy called in sick to places he doesn’t read more »

WTF Are Superdelegates?

  As Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton slug it out to determine the epic battle of When Bernie Sanders Concedes to Hillary Clinton, you may have heard of “superdelegates.” These are unelected party insiders in the Democratic Party who get to vote in the primary, whereas regular delegates represent constituents who voted for a particular read more »