Steal Tacos at Swordpoint

One of the better headlines this week comes from San Antonio, TX: “Texan Arrested for Brandishing Sword, Demanding Tacos.” That’s right! In a state where even toddlers carry guns, some jackass decided to go full-throttle 1500 with a sword. To steal tacos. We do not yet know all of the facts regarding this case, because read more »

Attack Beavers & Thanksgiving

We didn’t force Naomi to eat a turkey, but we considered making her shoot one. She is a vegetarian for health reasons, so my brother and I supposed that it would be fine to take her bow hunting down by the creek so long as we spared her from gnawing on whatever game she managed read more »

The Unseen Value of Rob Ford

Rob Ford, crack-smoking mayor of Toronto, is catching a lot of heat for his continued boozing, drug use, and sexual harassment. So much so that Americans are actually paying attention to Canadian news for the first time in our nation’s history. Even Canadians are! This is truly astounding, because as a rule Canadian politicians are so read more »

Caroline Kennedy and American Lordships

If you’ve always wanted to be a lord, but weren’t born into the aristocratic English family, you should seriously consider becoming an ambassador. Don’t worry, they only stick qualified diplomats in the truly dangerous countries which require split second decisions. Most ambassadors attend cocktail parties in swanky cities. Caroline Kennedy just joined their ranks. The read more »

In Praise of Piecemeal Budgeting: How the Government Shutdown Could Do Some Good (The Freeman)

On Tuesday I had to explain to several jubilant European friends of mine that the United States had not, in fact, called it quits and reverted to the status of a British protectorate. Neither were we calling it quits and capitulating to Fidel Castro. (Americans did not suffer from this misconception—most were too busy discussing read more »

Review: Paddle Your Own Canoe by Nick Offerman (CBS Man Cave Daily)

This week I wrote a review of Nick Offerman’s new memoir, Paddle Your Own Canoe. You can click here to read it at the CBS Man Cave Daily website. Nick Offerman, as you’ll recall, is the hilarious actor who portrays Ron Swanson on Parks & Recreation. Below is a great clip of the guy: &nbspAndrew Heaton read more »

My Secret Family Near the Alien Crash Site

This month the CIA came clean about Area 51, thus confirming what myself and thousands of Coast to Coast AM listeners have already known for decades. (Coast to Coast AM is my favorite radio show—it’s like the BBC for people who believe in Bigfoot encounters. A terrific program!) My fascination with Area 51 goes straight read more »

Drunken Pig Terrorizes Australia

If you’re not worried about feral pigs, you should be. Particularly in Australia where, apparently, they have a drinking problem. Earlier this month a ferrel pig (domesticated pigs which escape to the wild, grow tusks, and become homicidal) snuck into a campsite and proceeded to drink eighteen unsecured beers. Then, according to one eye witness, the read more »

“Matt Damon vs. The Space Republicans”: A Review of Elysium

It’s rare to encounter a film where the prospects of irradiated cyborgs battling in space better comports with reality than the director’s grasp of economics. That’s what writer and director Neill Blomkamp has achieved, however, with Elysium, which explores interesting social and political themes that mostly involve Matt Damon fighting straw-man Republicans in space. It’s like read more »

Ahoy, a London Fatburg!

You can learn a lot about a place by what it denies is floating around its sewers. In New York, where I live, there are rumors of alligators lurking around our poop canals. They originated, according to believers, when in days of yore parents purchased tiny, adorable reptiles for their children, only to discover (quite read more »

Turns Out I’m Not Crazy: Area 51 Exists! (The Freeman)

Recently the CIA released a hitherto classified report acknowledging the existence of Area 51. The agency remains suspiciously silent on the juicy parts: There’s no mention of alien spacecraft or a profitable wing of the U.S. Postal Service operating there. But at least the revelation that Area 51 exists, now officially, validates the underappreciated sentiments of myself read more »

The Majestic Chinese Dog Lion

I would like to congratulate the innovative zookeepers of Louhe, China, for literally trying to pawn off a large hairy dog as a lion. This came to international attention last week when a visiting mother and child realized that the prized lion they had paid to see was, in fact, a Tibetan mastiff. Praise goes read more »

“How I Learned to Start Worrying and Fear the Bomb” Ward Wilson (Reason)

How I Learned to Start Worrying and Fear the Bomb A new book tackles the myths that have grown up around nuclear weapons. Andrew Heaton | August 20, 2013 Five Myths About Nuclear Weapons, by Ward Wilson, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 187 pages, $22.00. Baby boomers grew up with nuclear bomb drills, premised on the interesting idea read more »

Cap South: Farewell Gracie (Season Finale)

In the season finale of Cap South we say goodbye to beloved Congresswoman Gracie Englewright, then of course throw a few curve balls. As a personal side note, while filming this in Washington, DC people actually recognized us. Quite the heady feeling! &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post read more »

Cap South, Episode 8: Joe America

In which an ominous politician named “Joe America” picks up Elliot in a driverless Google car, in hopes of securing Gracie’s endorsement for a congressional bid.     &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly “like” it on Facebook.

Cap South: The Plot Thickens

Elliot and Nicole discuss their pseudo-relationship. The puppetmaster behind Nicole’s espionage is revealed. Elliot is courted by the “profit for non-profit” sector, focusing on pediatric AIDS and blood diamonds. &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly “like” it on Facebook.

Cap South: The Date

Ever wonder what it would be like to go out on a date with me if I were your immediate supervisor at work? And if, maybe, you were some kind of spy? Here’s your chance to find out.   &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made read more »

Cap South: Too Awkward to be Sexual Harassment?

In Episode 5 of Cap South, Elliot Clarice continues to express his feelings towards office hottie Nicole through such awkward intimations that the House Ethics committee would probably send him to a Dale Carnegie course before censuring him for harassment. Later in the episode, when explaining that by saying “I’ll grab Nicole” he means “in an read more »

Las Vegas: Disneyworld for Adults

If extraterrestrials ever land on Earth, I’m going to recommend that they skip visiting France and head straight to Las Vegas. This is not only because Las Vegas has so many flickering neon lights that, even from space, it will render alien spaceships helpless with epilepsy until we can knock them from orbit with missiles read more »

From the Monkey Cage

I have a new book out! From the Monkey Cage: Fixing Politics Through Wit & Cartoons, a collection of humorous articles about our political system. If you ever thought, “I really enjoy Heaton’s website, but could he apply his excellent drawing skills and weird observations to things like cavemen economics, or zeppelin subsidies?” If so, read more »