Cap South: Episode 2

Wherein Chief of Staff Elliot Clarice (my character) meets the incoming congresswoman, continues the balance of terror against the office’s ominous scheduler, and conducts a series of hilarious interviews to replace hemorrhaged staff. The last of which, Nicole Foster, is played in real life by the very talented, beautiful, and overwhelmingly intelligent Ms. Naomi Brockwell. read more »

Cap South: A Sitcom about Congressional Staffers

The last few months I’ve been collaborating with director Rob Raffety, DP Travis Edwards, and several extremely talented actors on “Cap South.” Set in Washington, DC, it follows the lives of congressional staffers in the wake of their boss’s death. Check it out! &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. read more »

How to Successfully Maneuver the New York Subway System

Given the millions of people who travel in New York everyday to work, live and mug each other, the city’s subway system is truly impressive. Few networks could possibly accommodate so many trains and people without an occasional hitch. (Except of course for Germany, which excels at such challenges.) But even Teutonic railroad makers would read more »

“Quick Decisions” The Art of Thinking Clearly, Rolf Dobelli (Barron’s)

Best-selling Swiss novelist Rolf Dobelli has produced a coffee-table catalog of cognitive errors—more assorted appetizers than meal. But some of its morsels are memorable. For example, most people would walk 10 minutes to save $10 on lunch, but few would walk the same distance to save $10 on a $1,000 suit. The minutes spent and read more »

Facebook and Teenage Angst

Back when I was a lad we had this thing called “high school,” which was the cheapest way to corral all of the young people into a confined space where they wouldn’t bother adults during working hours. (Except for the teachers.) There were various classes, all designed to prep us for life as adults: Chemistry, read more »

My Life as a Bollywood Actor

Bollywood, in case you are unfamiliar, is Bombay’s film juggernaut, producing thousands of Hindi movies each year. The films are terrific, because the characters spontaneously burst into song randomly, and instead of sex scenes the characters dance in a suggestive manner. It’s almost exactly like my high school experience, except that everyone speaks foreigner! Recently read more »

When is a Joke Racist?

Standup comedians are continually on the prowl for more jokes to enhance our punchline arsenal. Occasionally we stray away from gags about airline food or poop jokes and investigate edgy subjects, like race or sexuality. Most comics want to avoid incorporating bigotry into their sets (or to at least make themselves strategically bigoted so they read more »

“Prince of the Outback” (Reason)

Prince of the Outback Meet the wheat farmer who led a successful secession from Western Australia Off the beaten path from Australia’s wildlife preserves and pristine beaches is a little-known country that has quietly prospered for 43 years. The Principality of Hutt River sits on 75 square kilometers of land five hours north of Perth read more »

“The Part-Time Libertarian” Simpler: Cass Sunstein (Barron’s)

In his latest work of advocacy, Harvard Law School professor and former White House regulatory czar Cass Sunstein makes the case for a smaller but more vigorous government, which is rather like arguing that sharks are more efficient and focused than whales. By the end, we are left to wonder if we wouldn’t be better read more »

Triumph of the Nerds

Last week I saw the new Star Trek movie at an IMAX theater with my girlfriend, thus achieving all three of my goals from high school simultaneously. If you looked around the IMAX theater (an acronym for Image Media Antelope Xylophone) there were several hundred other nerds and femmedorks present who had convinced a date read more »

How the Internet Skews Reality

If you are reading this you are probably familiar with a thing called “the Internet.” If your assistant printed my article off for you, or possibly read all of it verbally whilst a second and even more attractive assistant transcribed it by hand, then handed you that paper personally, you should know that the “the read more »

When Extroverts Ruled the Earth

We live at the conclusion of the Age of Extroverts; a brief period of human history wherein social butterflies excelled, often at the expense of introverts. Technology is rapidly leveling that playing field. During the first 400,000 years of human history the dominant group in society was whoever had the biggest head-clubbing stick, or whichever read more »

We Probably Overdid it on Witch Executions

I’m beginning to suspect that most of the women we burned at the stake were not actually witches. Even those we properly identified as conjurers can still be divided into subcategories, because not all witches are necessarily evil. There are good witches, like Samantha, from Bewitched, and then there are evil ones, like Janeane Garofalo. read more »

I Might Be on the FBI Watch List

I’d like to go ahead and clear up why I once delayed an international flight due to a misunderstanding about smuggling pistols. If you’re a regular reader do press on, but this post is primarily written for whichever federal investigator handles the yellow sticky notes in my file folder at the FBI headquarters. In 2004 read more »

The Truth About Archaeology

There are a dozen reasons you might want to go digging around somebody else’s land with a shovel and a vaguely communicated purpose. If so, spare some hassle and call yourself an “archaeologist.” You can still dink around with a garden trowel in someone’s petunia garden if you want, but uppity neighbors might accuse you read more »


It’s the first of April so I, Evil Jim, Heaton’s former roommate, have decided to make an April’s Fools Day tactical strike — sort of like what Kim Jong Un would try if he had any cajones. If you’ve ever wondered what sorts of songs Heaton makes on his ukulele, read on. You may remember read more »

Why We’ll Never Run out of Resources

It would be a major inconvenience if the Earth ran out of things I enjoy using, such as petroleum, or seltzer water. You might be the sort of bloke who settles down after a hard day of work to enjoy a nice, cool bucket of tungsten. Luckily for us, we’re never going to run out read more »

Malthus was Wrong

Once in a while some gloomy Gus at a cocktail party will posit that if we ever solve world hunger, everyone will have so many babies that they’ll eat all the food, and the whole world will be reduced to one big field of cannibalistic toddlers. Thomas Malthus originally pioneered this depressing theory; that if read more »

How to Sail Through Line at the Bank

If you’re looking to expedite your time at the bank, frame your future requests in such a way that the tellers think you’re a psychopath. Their barely-concealed fear that you’ll go nuts will compel them to prioritize you above coffee breaks and other customers. Now, before you go rushing off to the nearest vault with read more »

When I am Pope

Last week Pope Benedict shocked the world when he announced that he will resign the Throne of St. Peter, so that he can cash in on Social Security before all the Baby Boomers suck it dry. No Pope has done this since 1782, when Pope Benedict Arnold defeated the British at the Battle of Yorktown. read more »