Category Archives: Top Posts

Should We Trust These “Vegetarians”?

I’m beginning to think the suspicious attitude with which we treat vegetarians is secretly rooted in our own guilt about eating cute animals. This is particularly pronounced in the Red States, where we eat cute animals all the time. If you live in some weird place with abundant organic food and “diversity,” you are probably nonplussed about read more »

Australia Wants to Kill You

Australian wildlife has two commonalities: everything is either deadly, or sleeping. In the guidebook I perused on the quick plane ride over, I noted the many references to deadly snakes, spiders and jelly fish. There’s even something called a “drop bear,” which sounds horrifying. Australians live in their vicious wonderland with unnerving nonchalance. When my read more »

Dan Boren: Outgoing Congressman Lets Loose

  My exclusive with Congressman Dan Boren is by far the most fun interview I’ve ever conducted. Running rampant through the halls of Congress with an outgoing member? Pranking Dennis Kucinich? Awesome. The congressman, in a display of unrivaled glory, did five things he’s always wanted to do before leaving Congress. I hope to do read more »

While Unattended in Your House

Between my Eagle Scout award and total adolescent sobriety, adults in high school generally considered me responsible, often to the point of entrusting me with important things like their houses or daughters. This lead to house sitting, which has in turn spawned a number of life-long hobbies I amuse myself with when unattended in other read more »

I Don’t Blame Congress, I Blame YOU

One of the interesting things about living in a democracy is that we actually get what we deserve. That’s the basic premise behind democracies. Yet if you speak with an average American voter, they talk as if a bunch of lawyers snuck into Congress one day and we need to hire exterminators to come in read more »

Why Men Often Think Woman are Crazy

My opinion on genders is that both of them are pretty stupid. If aliens came down to Earth, I would probably stress how little I have to do with either of humanity’s genders and try to secure myself some sort of position as a house pet. Thus I do not feel any major kinship with read more »

How to Be a Kickass Segway Tour Guide

For my sins I am a Segway tour guide. It beats temp work, and I look more regal and august on such machines than if I had a desk job. Rather like Caesar addressing his legions, though now that I’m wearing shorts I suppose I look more like a stork balancing on a treadmill. When read more »

Acknowledging Problems on Facebook

A couple of years ago whilst perusing Facebook I “liked” a friend’s suggestion to eradicate malaria. I did not know what “liking” the group would do, but I assumed as many people do that if a billion folks agreed to hate malaria, the virus would shame itself out of existence. Or perhaps Facebook would notice read more »

Robots, Scud Missiles & Free Trade

A friend and I recently got into an argument about whether or not we should reduce tariffs, as happened a few months back with South Korea. My logic was, “Sure, free trade benefits everybody, and the more investments and markets a foreign nation has over here, the less likely they are to encourage people to read more »

Wisdom, Maturity & How to Fake Either

A friend of mine recently asked me for legitimate advice on an important relationship matter that will affect the rest of her life. She did so specifically because I am older than her, and suffers under the misapprehension that I am commiserately “mature.” Her inference is equal parts baffling and horrifying, and we need to read more »

Do Lesbians Cause Tornadoes?

My state’s constitution seems to contain a provision requiring that once every two years we must pass a bill which dazzles the entire country in its glittering, bejeweled stupidity. Not all of them are bad. I rather like the absurd ones. For instance, it is illegal to go whale hunting in Oklahoma. That law is read more »

Apocalyptmas

Christmas gift giving in the Heaton family is built upon two eternal pillars: flashlights and objects useful in the event of the apocalypse. Only recently have we begun to deviate from hand-held light sources and survival equipment. To clarify, within our own little nuclear family, Christmas morning’s haul is diverse. Much like your own family, read more »

What Life is Like if you Don’t Like Football

Most of you enjoy American football. I don’t much care for it much, and that makes life difficult. Football is a pastime, language, tribe and religion all rolled up into one, and my inability to remotely care about it whatsoever severely handicaps me socially. It’s also incredibly irritating, because it’s obnoxiously loud and ever-present. Hard to read more »

My Building Thinks I’m a Psychopath

Whelp, most of my building thinks I’m batshit crazy now; staff and residents alike. The scanner in our building’s communal office is still possessed by the dark lord Kusuthu, so whenever I want to upload doodles of robots fighting monkeys or stick people screaming at each other I have to walk two miles to Kinko’s read more »

How Federal Regulation Screws Over Small Businesses: A Story of Cupcakes

I don’t like getting pushed around by anybody: the government, corporations, or fat people on buses. Probably you feel the same way. It’s understandable then, that when a large corporation does something exquisitely evil or recklessly stupid, you may feel inclined to try and regulate the problem away with the help of the federal government. read more »

Don’t Mess with Clan McBastard

I fancy myself something of an Associate Scot: I’ve drank enough single malt to drown a family of horses, I’ve snuck into a castle, twice lived in Edinburgh, and even dated some Scottish women. Briefly. Combined with a gang of close friends who took it upon themselves to adopt me and teach me the ways read more »

My Friends are Marrying at an Alarming Rate

Depending on what culture you’re born into your peers will marry en masse at different intervals during life. In northern Europe, for instance, you only get married if you’ve decided to take on a mortgage and require someone else’s help to fill out all the paperwork. In France anybody who’s anybody has a mistress, which read more »

Pandas are Dumb

I don’t think we should actively hunt pandas for sport, and I’m perfectly fine with feeding them at zoos and protecting them from communists. But within the field of endangered species I think we should admit that the dwindling number of wild pandas is at least partially their own fault. Pandas are an evolutionary dead read more »

The Royal Ascot

Shy of getting hopped up on Earl Grey and plundering India, visiting the Royal Ascot is the most English thing you will ever do. Ascot is a staple of the English social and fashion year, and the diverse ecosystem of lady’s hats routinely swamps the papers in its wake. Ostensibly convened for the purpose of read more »

Inside the Googleplex

The Googleplex feels like a cross between a college campus and a toddler’s rumpus room. You can turn a corner to find a young woman studiously tinkering on her MacBook Pro with a train set and legos scattered around her. We walked past a conference room which is actually a large white indoor tent with read more »