Category Archives: Cartoonicles

Funny articles with hilarious but poorly-drawn cartoons

What to do With Your Embarrassing Confederate Statue

So you’ve got an old Confederate statue you need to toss out. Don’t worry, many cities in America are going through the same spring cleaning you are. The relevant question is: what do you do with a marble effigy of an old bearded racist once you’ve knocked it off its pedestal? The main argument against read more »

Riding Horses Above the Clouds

I’m not a trained equestrian by any stretch, but I did ride horses occasionally as a kid on my Uncle Dan’s farm, and even got a merit badge in horse riding as a Boy Scout. As an adult I have lost forty or so dollars betting on them in small increments at the Remington Race read more »

The Rainforest, And Other Water-Related Tirades

The thing about rainforests is: they are always raining. In retrospect Young and I probably should have packed raincoats or umbrellas or something, but how could we have possibly known that the Cloud Forest would be perpetually moist? There is no way we could have foreseen this. As it is, we’ve more or less been read more »

“La Vida Pura” and other Helpful Costa Rican Phrases

It’s helpful to learn a local catchphrase when you’re traveling. For example, tourists visiting Detroit should learn how to say “Just take the money! Don’t shoot!” before leaving the crumbling ruins of their hotel. I don’t know exactly where people yell “YOLO!” but apparently that’s a thing. Maybe in Boulder, Colorado while rock climbing? Or “YOLO!” might read more »

A Brief History of Costa Rica

So it looks like my ambitions of becoming a colonel in some gritty banana republic militia have been squashed. Because it turns out Costa Rica disbanded its army in 1948, making it one of the few nations on Earth to function–even thrive–without a military. That’s terrific for Ticos, but decimated one of my four vacation priorities before the plane even read more »

Boston’s Stupid Government

The first thing you should know about Boston is that its State House, the capital of the entire state of Massachusetts, contains a thing called “the Sacred Cod.” The Sacred Cod is a large fish suspended within its House of Representatives, which is legally or at least traditionally necessary in order for their House to read more »

Boston’s Other History

Boston’s first European inhabitant was a man named William Blaxton, who hated people. Enough to move to Boston. Not that Boston is a bad place—I find it quite charming. But back in 1625 it was just undeveloped swamp. So, after having left England to get away from the English, Blaxton moved to a swamp to read more »

Yankee Porpoises: Welcome to Boston

My father hates Boston, “a city designed by drunken sailors,” but that’s because he once had to drive a car through it. If you hail from a squarish-shaped state like ours, with grid-patterned roads all neatly apportioned, Boston appears to be some kind of M. C. Escher hellscape. However if you like walking and public transportation, read more »

I Can Now Legally Conduct Marriage Ceremonies

Recently some friends of mine asked me to officiate at their wedding. This means that as they officially launch their joint life together, with children and shared checking and what not, they want me to be the guy who hits the cosmic button and says “I now pronounce you man and wife.” At this point read more »

“His” and “Her” Tornado Shelters

I hail from Oklahoma, which is Choctaw for “land God sends tornadoes upon in blustery wrath.” This happens every year around May or June, presumably to inflict maximum damage on recently graduated drunken college students. There are even tornado trails, which tend to hit the same places, over and over again.  Moore, Oklahoma, for instance, read more »

How to Use Pandora to Settle Domestic Disputes.

We’ve had two get-togethers at our apartment recently, which meant organizing music and booze, then wrangling all of the cheap plastic lobsters I’ve decorated the apartment with. The “music” aspect is a lot more complicated than you might think. “Everybody love’s music,” you say. That’s true. A lot of people don’t like math, but very read more »

Bathtub Lobsters Say “I Miss You”

If you want to be a really high-quality boyfriend, the kind who is guaranteed an Aa1 credit rating by Moody’s, you should surprise your girlfriend with a gift when she comes back from vacation. This year I chose fake lobsters. Some disingenuous men will tell you that flowers are the way to go. These men read more »

I Survived Until Thirty! Huzzah!

I’m thirty now, which means that a quarter of my life is over.  I’m pretty stoked. I have a wonderful girlfriend, a new and awesome job as writer on television, and friends who swear they will never turn me in. Tomorrow I’m launching my first novel, a funny sci-fi about alien abductions. My advice: try read more »

Steal Tacos at Swordpoint

One of the better headlines this week comes from San Antonio, TX: “Texan Arrested for Brandishing Sword, Demanding Tacos.” That’s right! In a state where even toddlers carry guns, some jackass decided to go full-throttle 1500 with a sword. To steal tacos. We do not yet know all of the facts regarding this case, because read more »

Attack Beavers & Thanksgiving

We didn’t force Naomi to eat a turkey, but we considered making her shoot one. She is a vegetarian for health reasons, so my brother and I supposed that it would be fine to take her bow hunting down by the creek so long as we spared her from gnawing on whatever game she managed read more »

My Secret Family Near the Alien Crash Site

This month the CIA came clean about Area 51, thus confirming what myself and thousands of Coast to Coast AM listeners have already known for decades. (Coast to Coast AM is my favorite radio show—it’s like the BBC for people who believe in Bigfoot encounters. A terrific program!) My fascination with Area 51 goes straight read more »

Ahoy, a London Fatburg!

You can learn a lot about a place by what it denies is floating around its sewers. In New York, where I live, there are rumors of alligators lurking around our poop canals. They originated, according to believers, when in days of yore parents purchased tiny, adorable reptiles for their children, only to discover (quite read more »

Las Vegas: Disneyworld for Adults

If extraterrestrials ever land on Earth, I’m going to recommend that they skip visiting France and head straight to Las Vegas. This is not only because Las Vegas has so many flickering neon lights that, even from space, it will render alien spaceships helpless with epilepsy until we can knock them from orbit with missiles read more »

How to Successfully Maneuver the New York Subway System

Given the millions of people who travel in New York everyday to work, live and mug each other, the city’s subway system is truly impressive. Few networks could possibly accommodate so many trains and people without an occasional hitch. (Except of course for Germany, which excels at such challenges.) But even Teutonic railroad makers would read more »

Facebook and Teenage Angst

Back when I was a lad we had this thing called “high school,” which was the cheapest way to corral all of the young people into a confined space where they wouldn’t bother adults during working hours. (Except for the teachers.) There were various classes, all designed to prep us for life as adults: Chemistry, read more »