Author Archives: Heaton


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Two Minutes Hate

In this installment of Two Minutes Hate we detect an internal watershed moment in Bernie Maxsmith. Previously our downtrodden faux HR director has reluctantly joined the show (on his own personal time) to try to improve it via viewer mail. His attitude has been one of gross disappoint and stolid resignation to his duties. However read more »

My Bollywood Debut

  Regular readers may recall that some months ago an Indian film company recruited me to play “awkward white professor” in their film, ABCD. This lead, naturally, to being hired for a sitcom pilot called Brown Nation, in which I play a completely different “awkward white doctor.” (I’m fine with the type casting, as one of my read more »

WW2 Veteran Escapes Nursing Home to Visit Normandy for D-Day

Last week a British World War II veteran escaped his nursing home and made it all the way back to Normandy in order to participate in D-Day commemorative festivities. I hereby officially propose that we make June 7th (the day after D-Day) a new annual holiday called “Bernard Jordan Day,” to celebrate how cool this read more »

The Economics of Wall-E

  Wall-E is one of my favorite romantic comedies. I like pretty much any movie which involves robots, but on top of the cute cybernetic characters it’s also a brilliant film. It’s visually stunning, and for some reason Pixar characters can really ham up emotions without irritating me, so that it tugs on the ‘ol read more »

Two Minutes Hate

  Several people have asked, “Do you write the hate mail yourself?” No, all of the hate mail we feature is authentic vitriol from people with generally poor spelling abilities. I curate the hate mail, which is to say, I sift through quite a lot of it and find the stuff which strikes a balance between read more »

“His” and “Her” Tornado Shelters

I hail from Oklahoma, which is Choctaw for “land God sends tornadoes upon in blustery wrath.” This happens every year around May or June, presumably to inflict maximum damage on recently graduated drunken college students. There are even tornado trails, which tend to hit the same places, over and over again.  Moore, Oklahoma, for instance, read more »

Two Minutes Hate

In this installment of Two Minutes Hate, Bernie has stubble brought about by, we are left to infer, long hours at the office due to the antics of the hosts. In fact he reveals that marital instability has lead to him returning to the dating scene. As per usual, he drops an F bomb at read more »

The Economics of Ghostbusters

In my favorite episode of EconPop so far, the green screen experts over at Emergent Order productions manage to insert me into Ghostbusters, one of my all-time favorite films. This might be the closest I ever come to acting alongside Bill Murray. After injecting some funny lines into the 1980′s classic, we move onto the underlying read more »

Two Minutes Hate

This time around on Two Minutes Hate we were pressed for time, compelling me to speed through things as best I could. I’m also working on my introductory “glowering” face. Props to the editors working on The Independents, for their highly apropos double screen, representing Kennedy’s “split personalities” towards the end. &nbspAndrew Heaton read more »

The Economics of House of Cards

My God I love House of Cards. Washington intrigue, scheming, public choice theory–it’s got everything. My one major criticism of the series is that I think it gives politicians too much credit for competency in general. Very few of them are as evil and conniving as Frank Underwood, but then not many are as effectual, read more »

Two Minutes Hate

Ah, Two Minutes Hate, that bittersweet segment which is apparently the least favorite time for Kennedy’s mom. But where we hear true poetry from the twittersphere, irate emailers, and the message board. My two favorites in this addition are the reference to a “Ritalin enema,” and the one about earrings, booze and pep pills. read more »

The Economics of Dallas Buyers Club

Recently a badass film company in Austin, called Emergent Order, asked me to host EconPop: a webseries about finding the economics in popular culture, then making it funny. I have a blast making these, and look forward to finding more. In our inaugural episode we explore Dallas Buyers Club. It’s no small feat to make AIDS and read more »

Atomic Nuns & Kate Upton’s Space Boobs

There are three important news stories which have received inadequate attention this week: atomic nuns, glow-in-the-dark reindeer, and Kate Upton’s space boobs. On Tuesday nuns were sentenced for breaking into a nuclear power plant in Knoxville, TN. Three holy sisters managed to break through a series of chain-link fences around a nuclear facility to spray paint protest read more »

Two Minutes Hate – Bernie and Marital Counseling

In this installment of Two Minutes Hate I try to flush out the Bernie Maxsmith character a bit more, by subtly intimating domestic troubles with his wife Judy, as well as slipping in a joke about impotence. While I thought it was pretty funny to put the Bernie character through marital counseling, it’s important for read more »

Go Home, Winter. You’re Drunk.

I am just about to write a letter to Congress demanding that they turn off this winter nonsense. Today is New York City’s fourteenth snow storm this season, giving us seventeen days of measurable snowfall. The problem, as I see it, is that snow is the greatest thing in the entire planet if you’re a school kid read more »

Laughter is Better Than Communism

My book of political satire and cartoons is now available in ebook form, so you should download it to correct all of the half-baked propaganda you absorbed in college. I originally launched my collection of essays and cartoons in July, to uproarious laughter and critical delight. But several readers emailed me asking about an ebook read more »

Danish Zoo Shoots Giraffe and Feeds It to Lion in Front of Kids

  Danish Zoos are apparently a lot more gruesome than American ones are, based on the fact that this week the Copenhagan Zoo shot a giraffe in the head with a bolt gun and then fed it to a lion–in front of school children. It makes you wonder about whoever the Assistant Director of Giraffes read more »

Two Minutes Hate

Yet another installment of Two Minutes Hate, wherein my character, Bernie Maxsmith, reads eviscerating viewer hate mail to the hosts of The Independents. The hardest part of this entire thing is not smiling. As time goes on, I would like to add more depth to my glowering. It’s important to keep challenging yourself as an actor read more »

How to Use Pandora to Settle Domestic Disputes.

We’ve had two get-togethers at our apartment recently, which meant organizing music and booze, then wrangling all of the cheap plastic lobsters I’ve decorated the apartment with. The “music” aspect is a lot more complicated than you might think. “Everybody love’s music,” you say. That’s true. A lot of people don’t like math, but very read more »

Two Minutes of Hate

One of the great things about The Independents (the television show I write for) is that we’re so supremely confident and good-humored that we now find it funny to read viewers’ hate mail on air. There’s a certain poetry to angry letters; they can be hilariously eviscerating, like a Friar’s Club Roast, or amusingly incoherent, read more »