Author Archives: Heaton

Heaton

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First Reactions to the Trump Victory

It’s been over a week and Donald Trump still hasn’t admitted his campaign was a prank, so I think we have to accept this as reality. Like most cosmopolitan media elites and members of the Illuminati, I got this election completely wrong. How wrong? I bought stock in Smith & Wesson in preparation for a Clinton administration read more »

Astronauts Have Fears of Commitment Too

Have you ever wondered if I could combine my own innate fear of emotional intimacy and commitment with zero-g weightlessness and strict NASA professionalism? Well check out this video! Special thanks to Andrew Young, who not only directed it, but also added the incredible special effects. &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in read more »

Man Lives with Cobra he Believes is his Reincarnated Girlfriend

Don’t let anyone tell you love is dead. It’s not–and in what I assume will be the next greatest premise for a Paul Rudd romcom, a man in Singapore lives with a cobra he is convinced is the reincarnated soul of his dead ex-girlfriend. Apparently he spotted a ten foot cobra and immediately noticed a read more »

Bomb-Sniffing Plants

Botanists have figured out how to design plants sensitive to bomb materials. Once these plants pick up on the offending chemicals, their leaves change the type of radiation they emit under infrared light, so that nearby smartphone sensors can pick up on it. This is neat, but in my opinion, pretty worthless compared to a read more »

Spanish Prime Minster Tries to Ban Memes

Spain’s new government is about to fix everything wrong with Spain. By banning memes. Memes are, as you know, a snarky way to make fun of political figures, and memes are a viral visual medium. I can see no possible way that this plan will backfire. I am confident that the Spanish, and trolls of read more »

What the Hell is the Electoral College?

We are now about three years into the 2016 election and we’re down to the wire. Next week America selects its next president. So you’re about to hear a lot about the Electoral College. That’s why we’ve made a video explaining what the Electoral College is, and also, why it’s terrible and should be replaced. My read more »

Conscripted Candidates: An Update from Scandinavia

Take a break from this Dumpster Fire of an election! From the region of the world that brought you Bjork, Nobel Prices, and Neutrality, comes a new phenomenon: forced political service. A town in Norway elected a heavy metal rocker to city council… against his will. Nor-frickin-way. Iceland elected a comedian as Mayor. And I read more »

Meanwhile, in Florida

I respect that, mere weeks after a devastating hurricane, Florida can steel its will and double down on crazy news stories. In this week’s installment of Mostly Weekly, we learn about the intersection of politics, graffiti and crabs, as well as an aspiring tale of a man trying to walk to Bermuda, plus a feel-good read more »

The IDK Candidate and Aleppogate

  In the latest installment of Mostly Weekly we explore libertarian candidate Gary Johnson’s geography gaffe, wherein the governor didn’t know what “Aleppo” was. (I personally thought that a “leppo” was one of those buzzy things you get at a restaurant to let you know your table is ready, but apparently it’s a city in Syria.) Then, read more »

Scientists Create first “Space Nation”

This week an international consortium of scientists announced the creation of Asgardia, a new “space nation.” The idea behind it is to create a country (in space) which shoots down asteroids and space debris which might otherwise hurt Earth–even Oklahoma! The Asgardians have plans to put up a satellite in 2017 and, eventually, build space read more »

Iraq’s Transportation Minister Insists New Airport is Built on Ancient Alien Launchpad

Iraqi Transport Minister Kazem Finjan held a press conference this week to announce the site of a new airport; the suitability of the site, the high-quality facilities, and also that it’s built on the exact spot extraterrestrials constructed their own spaceship launchpad 7,000 years ago. Before we start questioning the “accuracy” or “sanity” of his statements, let’s at least read more »

Electronic Spoon Makes Food Taste Sweeter

A new invention called “The Tasty Buddy” emits a low-level electrical current that activates certain taste buds, so that your tongue perceives it to be varying levels or sweet or salty. This is a huge game changer, and I predict “smart spoons” will be the norm in homes within ten years. Think about the implications of read more »

Why American Trains Are So Slow

  I love trains and I think most folks do as well, so I was surprised to learn that we have slower and more expensive trains than we did in the 1930’s. Mobile phones used to be large gray bricks, but now I can fit six or seven of them in my pocket as I leave the gym every read more »

Toyota Unveils Robot Baby for Lonely People

We all know that sex robots are going to be at the forefront of anthropomorphic automatons, but Japan is adding something else: babies. It’s a big deal because Japan has the world’s oldest population, and it’s only getting older. Right now a quarter of all Japanese people are at least sixty years old. Not only are Japanese people read more »

Elon Musk and the Mission to Mars

The billionaire behind Tesla Motors is fully committed to getting mankind to Mars, and intends to die there himself (though not on impact). His ambitious plan involves building a BFR (literally “big fucking rocket”) that’s reusable for multiple trips. Rockets are presently single-use, which makes them vastly inefficient and costly. He plans to build a ship capable of transporting 100 people per load, read more »

Norwegian Prime Minister Caught Playing Pokemon Go in Parliament

Erna Solberg didn’t just get caught playing a cell phone game while her political opponent was speaking, she’s also been caught playing Pokemon Go in a defense hearing. (Although to her credit, Norway’s sovereign defense fund invests in Nintendo, so in a way she’s sort of helping the economy.) And, based on the fact that one of read more »

Swedes Urge NASA to Send Condoms into Space

Our Scandinavian friends over at the Swedish Association for Sexuality Education (note to self: ask for personalized tour of facilities on next trip to Europe) are urging NASA to include a pack of condoms in whatever rocket we next fire into orbit. This is because, obviously, if aliens ever swing by Earth and decide to read more »

Scientist Develops Alcohol Substitute, Cure for Hangovers

I am highly intrigued by Dr. David Nutt, who has developed a chemical substitute for alcohol that mimics being tipsy without any of the nasty side effects: hangovers, bar fights, paternity lawsuits, and so forth. His chemical compound releases some of the dopamine (happy brain juice) we normally get from alcohol, and also looses you up the way a pint read more »

Pandas Are No Longer Endangered

By far the single most-read blog post I have ever cranked out is “Pandas Are Dumb,” in which I make the argument that pandas, while adorable, are pretty much an evolutionary dead end. If humans weren’t pushing them around, their species is so unfathomably stupid that something else (like dolphins or possibly even clever rocks) would instead. I still get read more »

None of the Above Option

I use Lovecraftian monsters and a dead gorilla in this episode of Mostly Weekly to illustrate why every ballot in America should have “None of the Above” listed as a candidate. We didn’t have time to include the last Staten Island congressional election in the video, although it’s a perfect example of when a None Of The Above option would have read more »