Author Archives: Heaton

Heaton

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The Olympics: A Soberly Objective Review

  Mostly Weekly returns with a 2016 Olympic Wrap Up, including some issues I don’t feel the media adequately covered. Even in this latest Pulitzer-worthy piece, I wasn’t able to cram in all of the fascinating stuff I learned about the Olympics. For example, apparently the “country” of Monaco had three Olympic participants this year! (Normally they read more »

“Stay at Home Stepdad”

  In retrospect I don’t think we’re likely to get this particular sitcom picked up by a major network, even though we added a laugh track in for the mouthbreathers. J. M. Jennings came up with the concept for it, I wrote the script, and Andrew Young both directed the piece and also tweaked the read more »

The Republican National Convention

  It’s the RNC, with a star studded list of people who WONT be attending! Donald Trump, the PT Barnum of American politics has chosen as his running mate, noted human tube sock and Indiana governor Mike Pence. How did it all come to this? WATCH OR I WILL STRANGLE THIS POKEMON WITH A HAMMER. read more »

TSA Emotional Support Horses

  TSA, employing sexual predators to gently cup you since 2001. And this summer- expect longer lines and cuppier cupping than ever! Jeh Johnson, director of Homeland Security and a man who has given up on his own first name, is trying to get more people to join TSA Precheck. But now the program is read more »

The Brexitpocalypse

  I’ve got a mixed view on the Brexit. On an emotional level I get it, and am on the side of the Brexiters. The European Union has a major democratic deficit, and it’s run by a bunch of un-elected bureaucrats who foist regulations and red tape over an entire continent. But pragmatically, were I read more »

A License to Kill . . . And blowdry hair

  There are licenses for almost every occupation! From music therapists to morticians! And these needless licenses mostly hurt the poor. But what about white collar jobs? Should lawyers have to pass the bar? Getting sued is expensive! And we get sued a lot! Please don’t sue us. Please. Slimming down the amount of occupational read more »

Uberdunger: Deodorant for Men

  If you’re like most weak, smelly homo sapiens, your armpits smell bad and make people hate you. You could go out and buy some sort of flowery antiperspirant, and waste money on aerosol with some sparkles in it. OR you could buy Uberdunger’s Deodorant For Men. Watch this video find out Uberdunger’s secret ingredient, which read more »

What If People Acted Like Cats

  I’ll say it: I’m a dog person. I like that dogs seem genuinely excited to see me. Whereas cats seem like they’re at best vaguely irritated and at worst openly thinking about how to fit my head inside of their mouths. That said, I’ve noticed that barn cats are pretty cool. When they get read more »

Transbathrooms

  In the latest episode of Mostly Weekly, we explore North Carolina’s recent spate of bathroom laws. If you haven’t been following this, good: it’s rare for even legislatures to waste so much time and effort on such a nonsensical issue. For that reason we don’t go into too many specifics, and mostly just lampoon the read more »

Facebook Censorship

  How do Facebook’s meat computers or “humans” decide what’s trending? Does Facebook lean Liberal? It *is* blue, someone else pays for it, and I’m pretty sure FarmVille is some kind of a Kibbutz. And “likes” are an inflated currency that people feel entitled to! (PLEASE LIKE OUR VIDEO AND SHARE!!!!!!) &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer read more »

Tea Time (And Genocide)

  I grew up watching whatever bootlegged British programs our local PBS station managed to ferret in to Sunday night lineups. Crisp, eloquent possible-lords addressed the camera in many of these shows, all sopping wet with respectability. So I wrote a sketch which portrays the dark underbelly of such hosts, who might nominally care about read more »

Uberdunger: The Warlord of Fertilizers

  Product spokesman John Chuck triumphantly returns to promote Uberdunger Fertilizer for Men, the gardening accessory you need to bring your fruits and vegetables into unambiguous submission to your green thumb and iron will. This was an interesting shoot because it involved me waving an apparent hand grenade in my backyard while my landlord watched me in read more »

The Ex-Im Bank

  One of my hobbies is to camp out in a nice pub, have a few whiskies, then start ranting to strangers about obscure government programs I hate. (I would like to apologize to the proprietor’s of Opie’s Ale House for that time I tried to throw a chair through the window while discussing the Farm read more »

The Politics of Mordor

  How Hillary won over Sauromon the Progressive, Bernie lost the Hobbit vote, and Trump disappointed blue collar orcs. You’ll recall that Mordor is both a battleground state and a “bellweather” in six of the last ten presidential elections, so who people vote for is a good preview of the general election in November. (The read more »

Vigorously Judicial: Who is Merrick Garland?

  Between Trump antics and Prince dying, you may have forgotten that Justice Scalia’s seat in the Supreme Court is still vacant. Recently President Obama nominated Merrick Garland to that spot, who in any other year Republicans would be so thrilled about they’d confirm him during a rapid-fire lunch break. For a Democratic nominee he’s read more »

WTF Are Superdelegates?

  As Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton slug it out to determine the epic battle of When Bernie Sanders Concedes to Hillary Clinton, you may have heard of “superdelegates.” These are unelected party insiders in the Democratic Party who get to vote in the primary, whereas regular delegates represent constituents who voted for a particular read more »

Death by Jury Foreman

  This week Buck Schwartzmore slides down the totem poll of democracy yet another wrung, pinning his hopes on a political comeback by winning his Jury Foreman election in an landslide. Unfortunately I didn’t get selected for jury duty until well after I‘d shot this video. Which is a shame, because I had no idea how read more »

Fire Marshall Elections

  Buck Schwartzmore is back in the saddle this week, doing the only thing he knows how to do: wage relentless, sleazy campaigns. Last week’s introductory sketch of the sociopathic congressman received great feedback, particularly from my Washington, DC friends. (I even got a nice write up in Roll Call.) This week the disgraced and defeated politician turns his energies towards read more »

Buck the Sociopathic Congressman

  Buck Schwartzmore is a representative whose singular drive in life is to win elections. Or more accurately, to beat opponents in elections. This compels him to seek out contests even when he doesn’t need to, or it’s clearly to his detriment. I imagine this man could artfully take any subject, ranging from lunch to read more »

Old People Tech Support

Chances are you have either at some point tried to get technical help over the phone from someone you had a difficult time understanding, or you’ve been drafted as a tech support specialist for an older family member who understands the concept of telegrams better than Twitter. If so, this parody sketch of a tech service company is for you. When I read more »