Author Archives: Heaton

Heaton

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Rockettes & The Inauguration

On this episode of Mostly Weekly we tackle the issue of the Radio City Rockettes being forced to perform at Trump’s inauguration, despite the fact that several of them would rather get root canals from a squirrel. It’s an interesting turn of events for public outrage. Freeing the Rockettes from performing at the coronation of read more »

As Seen on C-SPAN

Friends, I’ve finally “made it,” because I’ve now performed standup comedy on national television. On C-SPAN. C-SPAN, as you’re no doubt aware, is the hilarious network which records congressional subcommittee hearings and sometimes discussions about books about dead people. It’s an absolute rocket launcher for humorists such as myself. Can any of us forget Louie read more »

My Trip to Costa Rica (As Expressed Through Glaring on Snapchat)

  Just after Christmas I visited Costa Rica, which is a terrific country everyone should visit, but not simultaneously. While there I tried out Snapchat for the first time, by alternately flirting with a young lady back in New York and also sending angry clips to my friend Nick Polowy. This is a collection of read more »

Riding Horses Above the Clouds

I’m not a trained equestrian by any stretch, but I did ride horses occasionally as a kid on my Uncle Dan’s farm, and even got a merit badge in horse riding as a Boy Scout. As an adult I have lost forty or so dollars betting on them in small increments at the Remington Race read more »

The Rainforest, And Other Water-Related Tirades

The thing about rainforests is: they are always raining. In retrospect Young and I probably should have packed raincoats or umbrellas or something, but how could we have possibly known that the Cloud Forest would be perpetually moist? There is no way we could have foreseen this. As it is, we’ve more or less been read more »

“La Vida Pura” and other Helpful Costa Rican Phrases

It’s helpful to learn a local catchphrase when you’re traveling. For example, tourists visiting Detroit should learn how to say “Just take the money! Don’t shoot!” before leaving the crumbling ruins of their hotel. I don’t know exactly where people yell “YOLO!” but apparently that’s a thing. Maybe in Boulder, Colorado while rock climbing? Or “YOLO!” might read more »

A Brief History of Costa Rica

So it looks like my ambitions of becoming a colonel in some gritty banana republic militia have been squashed. Because it turns out Costa Rica disbanded its army in 1948, making it one of the few nations on Earth to function–even thrive–without a military. That’s terrific for Ticos, but decimated one of my four vacation priorities before the plane even read more »

I’ve Got a New Book!

My next novel comes out this January 8th, and it combines my sense of humor, my folksy disposition, and also werewolves. You can pre-order a copy for your Kindle by clicking this link. If you live in New York, come out to my book launch at The People’s Improv Theater on January 12th at 7:00. read more »

Money News Around the World

Please tell the Pulitzer Prize committee to give me an award for doing an entire story not based on a Donald Trump tweet. Maybe a new category? In any case, the latest episode of Mostly Weekly explores money around the world, from Britain’s new vegan-friendly £5 note, to Venezuela where inflation is so rampant shopkeepers read more »

First Reactions to the Trump Victory

It’s been over a week and Donald Trump still hasn’t admitted his campaign was a prank, so I think we have to accept this as reality. Like most cosmopolitan media elites and members of the Illuminati, I got this election completely wrong. How wrong? I bought stock in Smith & Wesson in preparation for a Clinton administration read more »

Astronauts Have Fears of Commitment Too

Have you ever wondered if I could combine my own innate fear of emotional intimacy and commitment with zero-g weightlessness and strict NASA professionalism? Well check out this video! Special thanks to Andrew Young, who not only directed it, but also added the incredible special effects. &nbspAndrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in read more »

Man Lives with Cobra he Believes is his Reincarnated Girlfriend

Don’t let anyone tell you love is dead. It’s not–and in what I assume will be the next greatest premise for a Paul Rudd romcom, a man in Singapore lives with a cobra he is convinced is the reincarnated soul of his dead ex-girlfriend. Apparently he spotted a ten foot cobra and immediately noticed a read more »

Bomb-Sniffing Plants

Botanists have figured out how to design plants sensitive to bomb materials. Once these plants pick up on the offending chemicals, their leaves change the type of radiation they emit under infrared light, so that nearby smartphone sensors can pick up on it. This is neat, but in my opinion, pretty worthless compared to a read more »

Spanish Prime Minster Tries to Ban Memes

Spain’s new government is about to fix everything wrong with Spain. By banning memes. Memes are, as you know, a snarky way to make fun of political figures, and memes are a viral visual medium. I can see no possible way that this plan will backfire. I am confident that the Spanish, and trolls of read more »

What the Hell is the Electoral College?

We are now about three years into the 2016 election and we’re down to the wire. Next week America selects its next president. So you’re about to hear a lot about the Electoral College. That’s why we’ve made a video explaining what the Electoral College is, and also, why it’s terrible and should be replaced. My read more »

Conscripted Candidates: An Update from Scandinavia

Take a break from this Dumpster Fire of an election! From the region of the world that brought you Bjork, Nobel Prices, and Neutrality, comes a new phenomenon: forced political service. A town in Norway elected a heavy metal rocker to city council… against his will. Nor-frickin-way. Iceland elected a comedian as Mayor. And I read more »

Meanwhile, in Florida

I respect that, mere weeks after a devastating hurricane, Florida can steel its will and double down on crazy news stories. In this week’s installment of Mostly Weekly, we learn about the intersection of politics, graffiti and crabs, as well as an aspiring tale of a man trying to walk to Bermuda, plus a feel-good read more »

The IDK Candidate and Aleppogate

  In the latest installment of Mostly Weekly we explore libertarian candidate Gary Johnson’s geography gaffe, wherein the governor didn’t know what “Aleppo” was. (I personally thought that a “leppo” was one of those buzzy things you get at a restaurant to let you know your table is ready, but apparently it’s a city in Syria.) Then, read more »

Scientists Create first “Space Nation”

This week an international consortium of scientists announced the creation of Asgardia, a new “space nation.” The idea behind it is to create a country (in space) which shoots down asteroids and space debris which might otherwise hurt Earth–even Oklahoma! The Asgardians have plans to put up a satellite in 2017 and, eventually, build space read more »

Iraq’s Transportation Minister Insists New Airport is Built on Ancient Alien Launchpad

Iraqi Transport Minister Kazem Finjan held a press conference this week to announce the site of a new airport; the suitability of the site, the high-quality facilities, and also that it’s built on the exact spot extraterrestrials constructed their own spaceship launchpad 7,000 years ago. Before we start questioning the “accuracy” or “sanity” of his statements, let’s at least read more »