It’s been over a week and Donald Trump still hasn’t admitted his campaign was a prank, so I think we have to accept this as reality. Like most cosmopolitan media elites and members of the Illuminati, I got this election completely wrong. How wrong? I bought stock in Smith & Wesson in preparation for a Clinton administration and the inevitable gun rush that happens when Democrats slink into office. Bad investment choice on my part. On Election Day I fully anticipated Hillary mopping things up by 8:30 before launching a celebratory fireworks display that would rival the Dresden firebombing.
I predicted that Clinton would win the Electoral College in a landslide but Trump might benefit from supporters not answering polls, and might inch ahead in the popular vote. I was right about the polls underestimating Trump voters, but got everything else backwards. Of course, I also thought this election would wind up being between Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush (he had the SuperPAC money, and you can buy elections, right?), that Trump would flare out about the same time Herman Cain did last time, that the plutonic core of the Republican party is intensely dogmatic and would defect from an ideologically devoid candidate like Trump, and that Rick Perry (armed with hipster glasses) would be a strong primary challenger.
My wrongness is joined by sophisticated pollsters and very, very expensive political consultants who all got caught with their pants down. I’m holding my breath on Trump’s pledge to “drain the swamp,” but can we all agree to divert money away from guestimators in suits to something more productive, like jetpack researchers?
Andrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly "like" it on Facebook.