Two Minutes of Hate

2 minutes hateOne of the great things about The Independents (the television show I write for) is that we’re so supremely confident and good-humored that we now find it funny to read viewers’ hate mail on air. There’s a certain poetry to angry letters; they can be hilariously eviscerating, like a Friar’s Club Roast, or amusingly incoherent, like a drunk text.

Last Wednesday was my television debut, appearing on a segment we call “Two Minutes of Hate” as a nod to George Orwell. I got called in at the last minute to read the vitriol to the show’s hosts. Hence, I was introduced as “Bernie Maxsmith,” a sort of dour Human Resources clerk commissioned to relate public outrage to the talent. It was fun, and I’m hoping to do it again in the future.

Should you watch The Independents on FBN? Yes–of course you should! (Mon, Tues, Wed and Fri at 9:00 EST.) It’s smart and funny and makes America better. But if you don’t like it, then send in some angry e-mails–it might get me on camera again.

Here’s the proper link to the show’s segment. Below is a more grainy version on YouTube.



Andrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly "like" it on Facebook.


  • Ryan
    January 27, 2014 - 3:31 pm | Permalink

    I just wish you could have read the words “Dry Gin Wet Farts” on national television.

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  • March 31, 2014 - 5:06 am | Permalink

    No hate here, I’ve enjoyed your appearances when I see them. (Sorry about that.) I have a comment on your piece on toilet seats. My comments are indented, and here it is:

    When and why did plumbing manufacturers stop making toilet seats which stay upright when gentlemen, you know, need them to? Is this some sort of feminist conspiracy?
    Probably, in combination with a bit of self-righteousness on the part of the manufacturers.
    I’ve wondered about this, too. The whole premiss is wrong, though. What happens is that everyone seems to want to walk away from the toilet, leaving the toilet as it was when they used it. So men leave the seat up? Well, women leave the seat down and the lid up. Each seems to want to have the toilet in position for them to use the next time they need it without any seat shifting.
    But there is a fair solution: after using the toilet, put BOTH THE SEAT AND THE LID DOWN. Then everyone will have to do something to prepare the toilet before each time they use it and no one will have a complaint about unequal requirements!