Gardening with Shotguns

flowershellIf you think gardening is boring, that’s only because you’re too stupid to incorporate firearms into it. That’s exactly what a startup company called Flower Shell is doing: using shotgun technology to discharge seeds into the soil.

Let’s just reflect on how brilliant Flower Shell is for a moment.

First, have you ever been planting seeds and thought, “Wow, this sure is boring. I wish I could speed this process up!” Or “How can I incorporate the NRA into my petunias?” It also might explain why Grandpa Heaton used to disappear for hours on end with a six-shooter and a hip flask: he was gardening.

I’m pretty stoked about the advent of “deadly horticulture” because I already garden. I have: a carnivorous pitcher plant, sensitive mimosa, a Poinsettia, and a bonsai tree.

The bonsai tree is the latest addition to my home garden. I like it because it’s peaceful, and relaxing. But do you know what would make it even more relaxing? That’s right: the peace of mind which comes from a nearby sidearm used to blast pollen into a pot. I’ve never tried meditating with a holster on before, but I suspect you get 30 extra karma points or something. Imagine how much more successful Buddhism would be if Buddha had been able to forcibly enlighten everyone with AK47’s. See?

All of this reminds me of an excellent gardening program I watched once hosted by Sir Patrick Stewart: 


Andrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly "like" it on Facebook.

One comment

  • Norman
    January 23, 2014 - 12:13 am | Permalink

    Love that scene from Safe House! The movie holds up, too.