MightyHeaton.com

From Craigslist:

My Uncle Walt finally died and the stingy SOB left me with his stupid cussing parrot, while my sister SHARON gets his house.

I don’t like the parrot because Uncle Walt taught it mostly racial epithets which I find distasteful. Or, more accurately, confusing. (The parrot hates “bog devils,” whatever they are.) He is green and red, and generally is pretty friendly to everyone he doesn’t identify as a bog devil.

The parrot is twenty-three years old and can say forty or fifty words. Uncle Walt kept him in his laundry room for several years, so it likes to mimic the sound of shoes thumping around inside of a dryer. Also, Walt spent a considerable amount of time teaching it broken directions to his alleged “treasure” in Bayonne, NJ. I think this is nonsense but you can go on a treasure hunt if you feel so inclined.

Free to a good home. NOT FOR EATING. Please contact me if you’re interested in adopting the parrot. I am keeping the bird cage to display my doll heads in, so you’ll need to figure how and where to keep him yourself.

RESPONSES:

 

FROM: Danny

Can you please send a photo?

 

FROM: Harold

Absolutely! Here is a picture of the parrot:

 

FROM: Guadalupe

Please call me XXX-XXX-4872 I will take the parrot good

 

Harold: [Calls Guadalupe as parrot; demands to know what kind of birdseed they have.]

 

FROM: Mary

Does the parrot scream?

 

FROM: Harold

The parrot suffers from horrible night terrors. Yesterday evening he kept screaming “The Vietcong killed Jim!” and “OMIGOD they blew off my leg!” It’s all nonsense, though, because the parrot didn’t visit Vietnam until way after the war.

 

FROM: Prcx4892

what kind of parrt is it?

 

FROM: Harold

He says he’s an African Grey, but I think he’s a liar. For instance, he keeps saying his name is Steve, but Uncle Walt always called him Jasper. I dunno. Here’s a picture:

 

FROM: Prcx4892

thats a shark

 

FROM: Harold

Yeah right, moron. Because sharks perch on sticks.

 

FROM: Prcx4892

whtvr can i have the bird or not?

 

Harold:

Jasper escaped this morning after I repeated my credit card number and security code out loud several hundred times. I’m pretty sure he’s in Central Park if you want to try and catch him.

 

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