I’ve successfully returned to the New World without being stopped by Interpol or getting “inceptioned.” After a couple of phone calls and a playful death threat, I have wrested control of my blog from Evil Roommate Jim. Later this week my cartoonery and pithy writing will commence as per usual, along with an upcoming video of my recent exploits in Scotland.
While abroad several people contacted me to find out if Evil Jim actually hired movers to relocate my stuff to a storage shed in Bayonne, New Jersey.
Yes. Yes, Jim did that. Jim is a terrible human being:
However when life gives you little speed bumps like this, it’s crucial to be an optimist.
As I am moving to New York next week, Jim’s shenanigans actually help me. While my entire understanding of New Jersey is the stretch between Newark Airport and the Big Apple, presumably Bayonne is closer to Brooklyn than to Washington. If things don’t work out in terms of lodging, I’ll juts live in the storage facility. Either way my stuff might show up on the History Channel’s “Storage Wars.”
The followup question might be: “Why haven’t you made good on your promises to capture and bury Evil Jim inside of a ventilated coffin nine feet underground at an undisclosed location in northern Virginia?”
That course of action certainly occurred to me, but I’ve decided not to kill Evil Jim. For now.
Overall I have to give Evil Jim credit for masterminding some pretty good pranks. If he had retained control of the blog any longer I would have pursued legal action, but since MightyHeaton.com is under the Ancien Régime again, I’ll doff my hat to his funny jokes.
We also need to keep in mind what Evil Jim did not do in the Prank War of 2012. Evil Jim has confided some of the amusing/horrific things he considered doing to me, and overall I must applaud his restraint more than seeking vengeance.
For instance, at one point Evil Jim considered replacing my Vitamin C supplements with estrogen pills. Just to see what would happen.
He contemplated some other doozies as well, but I’ll refrain from detailing them online because doing so would incriminate the both of us.
Evil Jim also planned some sort of coup de grace which he failed to enact due to time constraints. I haven’t exactly pieced it together yet, but I have a sinking suspicion that Evil Jim thought of monitoring me through surveillance equipment long, long before I set up my own briefly-used Jim Cam #3. I say this because Evil Jim included this file and ominous explanation in concession e-mail wherein he renounced control of MightyHeaton.com:
NEW CAPRICA UKULELE BALLAD
“July 14, 2012, 2:45 AM – Heaton drinks excessive amount of pretentious European beer and insists on watching first three episodes of Battlestar Gallactica, Season 3. Composes spontaneous song.”
I have no recollection of singing this song, at all, though it sounds like I might have been drinking. What else did Evil Jim do? I don’t know. We can only wait, and tremble.
If this post made you laugh or think, kindly “like” MightyHeaton.com’s Facebook page: