Do Lesbians Cause Tornadoes?

My state’s constitution seems to contain a provision requiring that once every two years we must pass a bill which dazzles the entire country in its glittering, bejeweled stupidity.

Not all of them are bad. I rather like the absurd ones. For instance, it is illegal to go whale hunting in Oklahoma. That law is certainly a nice gesture (whales both sing and have giant brains, putting them one point ahead of Ke$ha Sebert). But humpback poaching has never really been problematic in our part of the country, what with it being landlocked and all.

Silly laws like these are often times surprisingly beneficial, because they distract politicians from tinkering with legitimately important matters and probably screwing things up in the process. (Nobody describes a job well done as “congressional.”) So when you see the House of Representatives pass a resolution proclaiming that James T. Kirk is the superior Star Trek captain, only to have the Senate angrily enact a counter-measure affirming Jean Luc Picard as the grander commander, try not to think of these bloviating contests as wastes of time. Rather, view them as valuable diversions from issues Congress would otherwise inadvertently pour Drano into.

Recently in Oklahoma, however, our hallowed tradition of passing crazy laws has taken a turn towards the mean-spirited. Two years ago you may recall that our state tried to ban Sharia law. The idea being that we should preemptively legislate against all these darned Muslims running around trying to force the Koran on decent folks in Guthrie and such. Nowadays you can hardly buy a milkshake in Stillwater without an imam stopping your Volvo to demand you bow towards Mecca.

Incidentally, Oklahoma’s Muslim population consists entirely of “Rahim.”

Rahim is a nice guy. I believe he’s Turkish. I don’t remember ever being overly concerned that Rahim might try to enforce edicts about stoning loose women or beheading infidels or anything prior to the bill’s passage. As I recall, Rahim mostly wanted to chat about our new professional basketball team, the Thunders.

It turns out, though, that Rahim had been planning to transform Oklahoma into an Islamic state all along! (You know. Like all those other Islamic states in America.) Fortunately then-Representative Rex Duncan saw through Rahim’s evil scheme and authored a bill to thwart his Muhammadan attempts to undermine Oklahoma’s sovereignty.

By the way, no US court has ever resorted to using foreign law as a legal precedent. On rare occasion, if we’re trying to figure out obscure maritime statutes from the 19th century, we sometimes peek at comparable British edicts just to try and discern what the particular legal jargon of that era meant.So outlawing Sharia wasn’t in any way necessary to stop Islamists from sneakily injecting Muslim dogma into county zoning boards or insurance commissions and such. In my opinion it was a very clear message from Oklahoma’s State Legislature and its people: WE DON’T LIKE MUSLIMS. Our state collectively told the world, “You’re welcome to stay if you’re Muslim– but we’re watching you.” Because if you’re not Christian, you’re a guest. Not a citizen.

This week another intrepid Oklahoman statesmen, Mike Reynolds, authored a bill which would allow Oklahoma to prohibit homosexuals from serving in our National Guard. In fact, going a step beyond the recently defunct “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy, it would enable state officials to quiz our part-time soldiers about their sexuality and disqualify them accordingly.

Representative Reynolds, to his credit, honorably served our country in the United States Air Force, for which I thank him. I likewise wish to extend my gratitude to any homosexuals who served our country in the military as well. I am generally gracious to anyone who has put their life on the line for our nation, utterly regardless of their cronking preferences.

The National Guard is different than the Air Force, however. They’re certainly pulling their weight in Afghanistan, but a significant portion of Oklahoma’s National Guard activities consist of getting called up at odd hours to help out in natural disasters, of which we have many. Earthquakes are becoming trendy, and every couple of years an ice storm snaps trees in half with the ferocity of a Viking saga. In 2010 Jessica Alba visited. And of course there’s the ancestral nemesis of our state: tornadoes.

The logic here then, I think, is that when tornadoes strike Oklahoma, gays cannot properly help in relief efforts. Presumably because the F-5′s are triggered by gays in the first place. (Remember, a tornado is “an act of God.”) The quickest way to piss God off, naturally, is to allow known lesbians to help stack sandbags during inclement weather.

I never took any meteorology classes in college, but apparently there’s some kind of thermal pattern homosexuals produce which triggers dangerous funnel clouds. That’s why you don’t see many twisters in Iran. A country which, incidentally, prohibits gays from serving in their military. (Because of Sharia law.)Or perhaps Mr. Reynolds’ bill is merely a general preemptive strike against the ever-advancing Gay Agenda. And make no mistake, there is a Gay Agenda afoot in America’s heartland. State Representative Sally Kern, whose district comprises Woodlawn Park and several hundred apparent lunatics, stands by her position that the Gay Agenda poses a more dire threat to the United States than does Islamic terrorism.

What is this radical Gay Agenda, you ask? Chris Bliss, a comedian and globally renowned juggler, provides an astute assessment: “They want to get married, join the army and have children. Yeah, pretty radical. I’ve been avoiding all those things for years.”

Rather than sending a passive-aggressive sticky note to Oklahoma’s gays– that they are residents, but not full citizens– I suggest Mike Reynolds offers the following alternate bill instead. It’s equally ludicrous, and it still deals with the threat of cyclones. But it doesn’t discriminate against people for performing consensual acts in their own free country.

It’s from America’s one-man think tank, Jack Handey:

I think it should be a law that if you ever get sucked up into a tornado,whatever you can grab with your hands while you’re swirling around up there, you get to keep.”

Obviously we’ll need to add some clauses about grabbing people, otherwise there might be some awkward scenarios wherein rescuing a toddler in mid-air inadvertently results in slavery. But otherwise it’s a pretty snazzy law.

We could probably even incorporate whales into it.

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 Andrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly "like" it on Facebook.

5 Comments

  • Jon
    January 11, 2012 - 8:45 pm | Permalink

    Shouldn’t John Boehner be orange? Heaton, if you’re going to provide drawings, at least color them properly.

  • January 12, 2012 - 10:28 am | Permalink

    No, Lesbians don’t cause tornadoes, but they have been known to f**k up a trailer park!

  • Matt
    January 12, 2012 - 10:54 am | Permalink

    I sincerely hope that the gay whale crowd is not offended by this…

  • Jim
    January 12, 2012 - 6:39 pm | Permalink

    That was an excellent whale.

  • Jim
    January 12, 2012 - 6:40 pm | Permalink

    Will you draw me a beer label?

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