See, THIS is How you Write Fan Mail, People
Readers, you could learn a thing or two from this recent correspondence. Seriously. Take notice of the excellent, heart-felt questions: the below reads like Strunk & White’s guide to writing fan mail. No more lazy “hey you’re funny can I interest you in illicit drugs?” e-mails. We have to meet halfway. Click “contact” on the toolbar and ask good questions like these, or at least send compromising pictures of yourself while at work.
Your posts are hilarious. I am also an advocate for hats. Are you good looking? If you can prevent one person from being born, who would it be (don’t say Hitler)? What’s your favorite country?
Thank you for your kind assessment of my blog.
I am incredibly handsome. I have attached two black and white photos of myself (both of which you should frame and hang in your house) to prove this. The first is me riding a camel with some geometrically weird mountains in the background that I think people probably built. In the other I’m holding a gun for some reason. I don’t remember what I was doing, but based on my resolved expression and clutched pitchfork, I assume I was hunting a monster or joining an angry mob or something.
If I could prevent any one person from being born, I would make every single person with my same name not exist. Or at least have a different name. Because I have to alter my e-mail address and “andrewheaton.com” was already taken. So that guy.
My favorite country is Hutt River Principality, which I one day hope to visit.
Thanks for the pictures. I framed the one of you that look like a young Hiram Bingham (proof attached).
Tho I have no ill will towards the other Andrew Heaton, I do hope you make it to the Hutt River Principality someday.
Andrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly "like" it on Facebook.