See, THIS is How you Write Fan Mail, People

Readers, you could learn a thing or two from this recent correspondence. Seriously. Take notice of the excellent, heart-felt questions: the below reads like Strunk & White’s guide to writing fan mail. No more lazy “hey you’re funny can I interest you in illicit drugs?” e-mails. We have to meet halfway. Click “contact” on the toolbar and ask good questions like these, or at least send compromising pictures of yourself while at work.

 

To: Heaton
From: Cindy


Your posts are hilarious. I am also an advocate for hats. Are you good looking? If you can prevent one person from being born, who would it be (don’t say Hitler)? What’s your favorite country?

 

To: Cindy
From: Heaton


Dear Cindy,

Thank you for your kind assessment of my blog.

I am incredibly handsome. I have attached two black and white photos of myself (both of which you should frame and hang in your house) to prove this. The first is me riding a camel with some geometrically weird mountains in the background that I think people probably built. In the other I’m holding a gun for some reason. I don’t remember what I was doing, but based on my resolved expression and clutched pitchfork, I assume I was hunting a monster or joining an angry mob or something.

If I could prevent any one person from being born, I would make every single person with my same name not exist. Or at least have a different name. Because I have to alter my e-mail address and “andrewheaton.com” was already taken. So that guy.

My favorite country is Hutt River Principality, which I one day hope to visit.

Best,

Andrew

 

To: Heaton
From: Cindy


Hello Andrew,

Thanks for the pictures. I framed the one of you that look like a young Hiram Bingham (proof attached).

Tho I have no ill will towards the other Andrew Heaton, I do hope you make it to the Hutt River Principality someday.

 Andrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly "like" it on Facebook.

7 Comments

  • November 30, 2011 - 10:28 am | Permalink

    andrewheaton.com could belong to an ‘Andre Wheaton’.

  • Heaton
    November 30, 2011 - 10:46 am | Permalink

    Damn that Andre Wheaton! That miserable Frenchman is always ONE step ahead of me!

  • Teresa
    December 1, 2011 - 9:46 am | Permalink

    On the topic of fan mail,

    Our apartment in Brooklyn has officially deemed Wednesday Night as “Mighy Heaton” night where we have a dramatic reading of your blog. This week’s selection was “How to Buy Blue Jeans…” We are contemplating Cindy’s inspired idea about a framed photo… But we thought it may be misconstrued for a shrine and you would accidently be worshipped as a god. We’re still playing with the idea.

  • Jim
    December 5, 2011 - 4:29 pm | Permalink

    Candles. Lots of Candles, Teresa. And oil.

  • Cindy
    December 6, 2011 - 9:43 pm | Permalink

    No one thinks it’s a shrine (yet)… just my boyfriend who lives in Canada…

  • Rural AR Mom
    October 12, 2012 - 8:50 pm | Permalink

    If the Hutt River Principality is too much of a trip, might I suggest you visit the Aerican Empire’s Embassy to Everything Else? I am quite sure that Emperor Eric would enjoy meeting you. A few days ago he gave an interview with Radio Canada; the Empire makes it back into the news every few years. This year, as a matter of fact, we celebrated our 25th Anniversary of the founding of the Empire. Emperor Eric even issued a commemorative coin as part of the festivities.

    For more information on the Empire, http://www.AericanEmpire.com

    Please note that I am a Supreme Court Justice of the Empire, and frequently claim the informal title of Vaginal Ambassador. Which means I am an unpaid but slavishly devoted promoter of all things Aerican.

    • Heaton
      October 13, 2012 - 12:56 pm | Permalink

      “Vaginal Ambassador” sounds like a really cool diplomatic position on Firefly. I like it!
      I’ll keep Aerica in mind, but my heart is pretty set on Hutt River. I’m saving up frequent flyer miles, and I already have a passport application.

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