Readers, you could learn a thing or two from this recent correspondence. Seriously. Take notice of the excellent, heart-felt questions: the below reads like Strunk & White’s guide to writing fan mail. No more lazy “hey you’re funny can I interest you in illicit drugs?” e-mails. We have to meet halfway. Click “contact” on the toolbar and ask good questions like these, or at least send compromising pictures of yourself while at work.
Your posts are hilarious. I am also an advocate for hats. Are you good looking? If you can prevent one person from being born, who would it be (don’t say Hitler)? What’s your favorite country?
Dear Cindy,
Thank you for your kind assessment of my blog.
I am incredibly handsome. I have attached two black and white photos of myself (both of which you should frame and hang in your house) to prove this. The first is me riding a camel with some geometrically weird mountains in the background that I think people probably built. In the other I’m holding a gun for some reason. I don’t remember what I was doing, but based on my resolved expression and clutched pitchfork, I assume I was hunting a monster or joining an angry mob or something.
If I could prevent any one person from being born, I would make every single person with my same name not exist. Or at least have a different name. Because I have to alter my e-mail address and “andrewheaton.com” was already taken. So that guy.
My favorite country is Hutt River Principality, which I one day hope to visit.
Best,
Andrew
Hello Andrew,
Thanks for the pictures. I framed the one of you that look like a young Hiram Bingham (proof attached).
Tho I have no ill will towards the other Andrew Heaton, I do hope you make it to the Hutt River Principality someday.
7 Comments
andrewheaton.com could belong to an ‘Andre Wheaton’.
Damn that Andre Wheaton! That miserable Frenchman is always ONE step ahead of me!
On the topic of fan mail,
Our apartment in Brooklyn has officially deemed Wednesday Night as “Mighy Heaton” night where we have a dramatic reading of your blog. This week’s selection was “How to Buy Blue Jeans…” We are contemplating Cindy’s inspired idea about a framed photo… But we thought it may be misconstrued for a shrine and you would accidently be worshipped as a god. We’re still playing with the idea.
Candles. Lots of Candles, Teresa. And oil.
No one thinks it’s a shrine (yet)… just my boyfriend who lives in Canada…
If the Hutt River Principality is too much of a trip, might I suggest you visit the Aerican Empire’s Embassy to Everything Else? I am quite sure that Emperor Eric would enjoy meeting you. A few days ago he gave an interview with Radio Canada; the Empire makes it back into the news every few years. This year, as a matter of fact, we celebrated our 25th Anniversary of the founding of the Empire. Emperor Eric even issued a commemorative coin as part of the festivities.
For more information on the Empire, http://www.AericanEmpire.com
Please note that I am a Supreme Court Justice of the Empire, and frequently claim the informal title of Vaginal Ambassador. Which means I am an unpaid but slavishly devoted promoter of all things Aerican.
“Vaginal Ambassador” sounds like a really cool diplomatic position on Firefly. I like it!
I’ll keep Aerica in mind, but my heart is pretty set on Hutt River. I’m saving up frequent flyer miles, and I already have a passport application.