Lessons Learned as a Substitute P.E. Teacher

1. Teachers do not like it if you bribe students with coffee.

2. If you say “We can either play kickball or watch an instructional video about peanuts narrated by Walter Mondale,” 19/20 children will emphatically want to play kickball, while one socially awkward child will stand next to you on the playground wanting to know more about the peanut video you made up.

3. Until the age of ten, children are entirely unaware that adults lie to them. You can pretty much bank on faking a heart attack to clean up at tag.

4. Literally any playground dispute can be dissolved by pumping your fist and chanting “u.s.a.! U.S.A.! USA! USA!” All the kids will join in and completely forget about who hit whom, etc. (Note: This also works in politics.)

5. It’s okay to play dodge ball with kids, but it’s considered wholly inappropriate to wait an hour, open the door to Mrs. Pruitt’s class and peg Denny in the back of the head with a rubber ball.

Andrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly "like" it on Facebook.