Just Because You’re In Witness Protection Doesn’t Mean we Can’t Be Friends

I’ve known you since third grade you asshole! I got your mom drunk and she said you’re hiding in Oklahoma. WTF, man? What kind of bullshit friend are you that I have to liquor up Debbie to figure out why you haven’t returned my calls? I guess your real “friends” are the federal investigators who sent you to a red state. Good luck with those guys. Good luck with everything, SAUL F. HEINRICH.

I hope the mob doesn’t realize you’re in Midwest City.


 Andrew Heaton is a writer and standup comedian in New York City. If this post made you laugh or think, kindly "like" it on Facebook.

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